Tuesday, January 26, 2016

I'm listening to FL Senate judiciary committee meeting today. Even though I am in Maine I have a very vested interest in what is happening in FL today. One of the bills being considered today is a 50/50 shared custody and alimony bill.


Sen Tom Lee's bill SB 250 is part of a wider reaching Alimony Reform movement.
I am more than interested in that bill making it through the Judiciary meeting so that it can eventually make it to the Senate floor to be voted into law.


But in this exact moment I am in amazement at how much time and energy is wasted in these committee meetings. Guess I need to watch more of these meetings to fully understand how slow the wheels of our government turn. Over an hour being spent on a religious bill to protect clergy from performing marriages that go against their religious beliefs mostly in regards to Gay marriage. Pretty sure there is already enough support to pass it but they are still rehashing it.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Next first steps

After 17 years in the same place I am in the process of getting my house listed for sale. My kids are grown and it is time for them to move out and move on and it is time for me to move on to my next stage of life. It's not easy. My emotions are all over the place. Happy, relieved, sad, worried, sentimental. I know I am ready it's just a matter of getting through this process.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Every once in awhile....

.....I manage to swing by this place.

Seems I have lost my mojo for writing. I think up such great posts (imo) for facebook but then never post them. I decide they are either too long for a post or I'd rather not share with alot of the people on my friend list. Not sure why it never occurs to me to dump them here. I'll try to do better on occurring in the future.

2 things you may have not known about me (if you are not on my FB friend list) is that in the last 8 months I have lost 51.1 lbs. Woot!! And......I have taken up running. Yeah, you heard that right. This fatty arbuckle has been running 5K marathons all summer. Too funny, huh?


Thursday, January 19, 2012

Yay....still on the losing end

I really don't seem to have much time to devote to this but I do at least want to keep up with my WW results. I am depending on you to keep me accountable.

We didn't meet last week because of the storm so I was looking forward to weighing in today. I was nervous and anxious. Wanting to lose alot but not feeling like I have l lost an ounce. I was very happily surprised to see a loss of 2.3 lbs. Total loss is now at 12.9!   My next goal is 15 lbs. I wish it would happen for next week but I'm thinking more like 2 weeks. I'm going to work on tweaking a couple of my behaviours. I'm going to eat my daily points but only dip into my weekly points on the weekend. No going over the daily during the week. Hopefully I will get outdoors this weekend too.

Friday, January 6, 2012

I gained

I'm disappointed but not discouraged. I know that it had nothing to do with what I ate and everything to do with being a woman. The water retention and bloated feeling has been bugging me all week, I just felt it was going to be bad. Also I had 2 big weeks so I guess a minor set back is ok.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

blown away

My department hires about a half dozen people to help us out on a temporary basis. They were hired in Nov and will be with us until April.

One of them passed away over the weekend. Talk about blown away. He was just here last Thursday. He actually passed last Fri in the back of an ambulance. It is believed he had bacterial menangitis. There has been a huge fervor over the whole thing. Between the shock of him passing (at age 42) and the health risk of a contagious illness and tax season smacking us square in the face it has been a weirder than weird day.

I am extremely sad. The guy was one of my buddies. He worked with us last year too and had the same late night shift as me. We were scheduled to work the late nights together again this year. I was also his mentor. It just seems so sad and senseless.
I'm still battling the hungry beast. Could be a PMS thing. I dunno. All I know is I have to figure out with beast I want to live with...the Hungry Beast or the Guilty Beast? I'm chosing hungry beast. I am also stocking up on lots of zero point goodies.My friend Lynn is battling the hunger beast but she feels it is stress from the job and many other things. Who knows? All I know is it helps me immmensly to have her so close as a support person. I ended my day using 34 pts. I still have more than half of my weekly points available and only 2 more days left in the week. Even though I feel like a piglet in my jeans today I still feel ok that I should still see a loss on the scale.

Work is busy but not crazy busy....that will come on Thursday.

Today is my daughter Sarah's birthday. 20 years old. Holy Cow!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Hungry beast

I hate the way Blogger is set up now. It seems like when I want to log in and write a post it keeps sending me all over the place and I have a hard time ending up here. Maybe within a few more log-ins I will have this figured out.

I'm working today. Yeah, I know it is  national holiday but the nature of our beast dictates working today and taking some time off in a few months. The boss brought Pizza and salad and soda. I had the salad and dt soda and 1 slice of pizza. I am full but not satisfied. I have no idea why but that gnawing hunger just won't go away today. Oh well.....that is one of the things to fight through. No caving into to the hungry beast. I must keep him at bay.

One of the things that I do like about being at work is I can take advantage of a free work out on one of the best devices for trimming the butt and legs. Climbing the stairs several times a day has been working out pretty good. I work on the 3rd floor but have started climbing the stairs to the 4th floor then walking to the next nearest stairs and coming back down to the 3rd floor. I am very easily entertained

Sunday, January 1, 2012

2012 Lobster Dip

                                     
 Yup those crazy people were jumping into the ocean today. The air temp was a balmy 43 degrees and the ocean was boiling over at 45 degrees. It really was a very decent day.


Gary and I attended but obviously did not participate.

Before all of that took place I was up and out the door at 7:30 this morning. Part of my weightloss commitment is getting up and moving alot more. I tend to be a couch tater so sometimes I have to fight through that urge. Early mornings work best for me. I explored a trail that I have been wanting to hike for a little while now. I think it was about 2 1/2 miles with 2 majors hills. The second one I call heartbreak hill. It is long and steep and is really just the road that leads into Gary's development. It literally takes my breath away. I am getting stronger though. I marched up the hill with no breaks. I was huffing and puffing when I crested the top though. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is looking out their windows and checking out my silliness as I trudge on by. I had a major case of "I think I can" going on up that hill and I'm sure it could be quite entertaining to any onlookers.

Sunday: (so far)
Coffee x2                                              2 pts
Oatmeal                                                4 pts
Unsweetened applesauce                      0 pts
Peanut butter sandwich on Oat bread   7 pts
Unsweetened grapefruit cup                 0 pts
Yogurt                                                   2 pts
Hall's vitamin C drops  (2@ 1pt each)  2 pts

We are having meatloaf for dinner so I must admit that I am saving my points for that.
(I had the meatloaf with mashed potatoes and corn)

Meatloaf (2x2in piece)-                       8 pts
mashed potatoes -                                6 pts
whole kernel corn-                               4 pts
12 oz Diet Sierra mist                          0 pts
Total points                                        35 pts


Did you know that Weight Watchers has a pocket guide that outlines the point system? It gives lots of examples of how many points any given food item is worth, I call it my mini bible. I wouldn't go anywhere without it these days. I am thumbing through it all the time but every once in awhile I will see something that I had missed. Today's catch: Ostrich (cooked) 3oz- 3 pts.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

weighing in

I did it and I did it at a most (in)opportune time.

I joined weight watchers.

My first official weigh in was on Dec 15. Since that time I have lost 11 pounds! I lost 6.9 pounds on week 1 and 4.1 this past week. Thursdays are the weigh in day. Some day I will share what my starting weight was and what my current weight is but not yet. I will say that I need to lose alot and that my ultimate goal is to get down to the weight on my license. That is really not unreasonable. As a matter of fact it is just about the weight that I should be at to be considered healthy. For now I'm aiming at small goals. I have already met my first one which was 10lbs.  My next goal is 20lbs.

It's really not so bad and I am actually finding it rather easy to follow. We went to Applebees tonight and I had the 7oz sirloin with mashed potatoes and broccoli. It was delicious and about 13 pts. I am allowed 32 pts a day + 49 extra over the course of the week.

Sat: Coffee w/milk and sugar                                                             1pt
       Whole wheat toast
             w/ promise spread and a spinkle of cinnemon and sugar      4 pts
        unsweetened applesauce                                                            0 pts
       candies (6 mini non parels)                                                         4pts
       Pizza (1/2 of 10 inch personal size. Bacon and onion)              10pts
       Banana                                                                                        0 pts
       non fat yogurt (key lime pie)                                                      2 pts
       7oz sirloin                                                                                   7 pts
       garlic mashed potatoes (only ate half)                                        6 pts
       steamed broccoli                                                                         0 pts
       2 onion rings                                                                               6 pts
total for the day                                                                                40 pts

I used my 32 for today and 8 of my weekly extra points. Most of the time I have a hard time getting all my points in. Most fresh and veggies are zero pts. You'll see that I have several of those throughout the day. That keeps me from being hungry and I get close to the 5 portions that are recommended.

When it comes to counting pts, if I'm not sure I will estimate high. Like the pizza is from the corner store so I don't know exactly how many pts there are but I just compare it to places I do know. I found a website that is completely free and has sooo much restaurant info. www.dwlz.com It is great and has hundreds of restaurants listed and thousands of menu items listed with the weight watcher points.

It's amazing how many calories/pts there are in some of the restaurant foods. One of the things that is starting to happen for me is I truly cannot eat the huge portions anymore. I am also making better choices. For instance, tonight I chose to treat myself to 2 onion rings. I got to enjoy the yummy taste but didn't load up on them like I normally would have. I didn't get that bloated feeling and I didn't have any guilt. Then I chose to eat mostly sirloin and broccoli  and potatoes were more of a side treat. I knew I couldn't finish the whole plate and figured it was better to get my whole serving of veggie and protein and leave the potatoes behind when I got too full. It helps that I LIKE broccoli and steak. I didn't feel like I was sacrificing anything. I also ate to the point of being satisfied and didn't overstuff myself. That is harder to do than you would think. It is hard to put down the fork with a few bites left on the plate.After being trained for 45 years to "clean your plate" it's a difficult mindset ot get over. But it IS a mindset.

I'm feeling really motivated and energized. My pants are a little loser. I am soi glad I did this and I'm glad I didn't wait until next week to start. Being more mindful of how I was eating through the holidays was a good thing.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Laying low

Some things are meant to be and some just are not. I think we all struggle with discerning the difference from time to time. I've decided to not worry that far ahead. Spending time, hanging out, expecting nothing has been quite pleasant. 3 weeks of it has actually gotten me alot further ahead than a year and a half of worrying did.

Kids and ex's and life in general has taken a back seat to fun and relaxation.

Yeah I know.....you've heard it all before. A million times. Maybe even more than a million times but here I go again. I can't help how I feel. About him. And how I feel when we are together. He makes me laugh and he just has a way of making me feel like it's ok. I know he can take it all away just as much as he gives it but I'm just enjoying the moment and not going to be on edge about it.

I made an impact quite without realizing it. With the help of US cellular it appeared to him that I was not returning his calls. When it had been 4 weeks without any contact he assumed I was done. Done with the load of BS I had been putting up. He knew it was a nightmare for me but was too caught up in his own feelings to care about mine. When he tried to call and I didn't answer or return his call (bad cell signals) he started to realize that I meant something to him. He started thinking about me and all that we had and all that he had given up. He started remembering the good times and the plans. He missed me. Immensely. When I sent him a silly text (because I was missing him so bad) he responded immediately. So glad and greatful for a chance.

I have been guarded and he has been enthusiastic. He has gone out of his way. Spent time at my house. Even with dogs that he so despises. He has been nurturing, affectionate, funny. Hanging with my family even though he was nervous about the first meeting with them all. He has been attentive and loving. Very much his old self. Very much the guy I met and fell in love with. We have talked about the last year and how things in his life have taken such a nose dive. We have talked about our kids and how their choices have impacted us. We have talked. But mostly we have just enjoyed being together.

I am so glad to have him back. The real him. I am trying to not be jaded but I am well aware of the past year. He is too and has worked very hard to show me how he feels and that I am worth so much to him.

Staying positive but realistic

Monday, June 6, 2011

Kinda funny how things go

When I last posted things were tentative. Life was on hold. I was hanging on by a very small thread. I was just taking whatever slivers of time I could get with Gary. My head and heart were still hanging on to how he had made me feel in the beginning. I wanted that feeling back so damned bad that I once again was that desperate person in a one sided relationship. It sucked.

Well it took a turn for the worse. Believe it or not it actually got worse. Gary's life completely fell apart. His daughter is living with him with her boyfriend and baby. His crazy and greedy ex wife did what well within her legal right and asked DHS to enforce the divorce decree. He got a one week notice that his checks were being attached for child support and alimony. Child support for a kid that doesn't even live with her.

Gary is the only one to blame here. He should have gone to court and had the custody arrangement changed but he didn't. He trusted the ex one more time when she has never shown one ounce of integrity in her life. She has driven him into bankruptcy, foreclosure, he drives around in a vehicle that is worth about $500 and now she is taking half of his paycheck. He has literally shut down. He doesn't want to hear any negative comments about her and the situation. He already knows it all. I am not supposed to have any thoughts or opinions. He is so overwhelmed and closed off that he is not even close to being the same guy I met. He will not accept any help or advice from anyone. He has avoided his family and kept me at arms length. Finally a couple of weeks ago he ended it. 

Of course I couldn't accept that so I would wait a few days then send some inane text and we would start talking again.  I finally started to notice that I was initiating all the conversation and when he didn't reply at all when I wished him a happy birthday that was when I HAD to face the reality. What we had was good and fun but it is over.

I miss him so much and I spent about 2 weeks in bed. I'm serious....I would get up just enough to go to work but I was in bed every night by 7pm and I literally spent 2 full weekends in bed. Memorial day was the first bright sunny day we had in a long time and I spent it in bed. Curtains closed, watching a marathon of Law and Order. I felt so sad and lonely that it was physically painful. It has been painful since October. I am still sad. I am still lonely but I am forcing myself to get out. FORCING myself to start thinking about moving on. I dread the internet dating thing but I guess it will come to that eventually.

I've hated my life for the last 8 months and it is time to start looking forward again. It's time to get over my sorry self and just be happy.  I don't have a clue how to do that but if I keep telling myself that it just may happen.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Back and forth

That's where my feelings are. Here and there. Up and down. But for now it's all good.

Gary's daughter had her baby. He was born 8 days early and is a little sweetheart. I went down last weekend and saw him. It was a good visit. I know the daughter was glad to see me. I know Gary was glad to see me. His mom was ecstatic to see me. Getting accosted by a little french lady was quite an experience.

Baby is doing fine. Everyone is learning to adjust.Gary and I babysat him for about an hour and a half. Took both of us to get him into his little sleeper. Poor little guy held up pretty good against the tag team.

Brody


My grandbaby is doing great too. She is such a good baby, Happy all the time. She is now completely off all of her medications and is thriving again. No more spells. No more listlessness. Just a bundle of energy and joy.
Emily


Life is life. Mostly good with some drama.




Thursday, March 24, 2011

Will you indulge me?

Part of letting go is working through it. For me that also includes analyzing it and trying to figure out if I could have done anything different. I have been doing this in my head the last few months because I think I already knew the answers but I just couldn't bear to hear them from someone else. I've started talking. And listening. Now I'm ready to start writing and to move forward with my letting go.

The last day:

His daughter is having a baby. She is 37 weeks pregnant and the baby room is still not ready. Gary has no interest in  prepping and painting and has actually been very gruff whenever I bring it up. Even though she has made my life miserable with her immature and manipulative ways I still have a soft spot. That spot has shrunk considerably over the last few months but there is still a glimmer.

The one thing I have bought for her baby she had relegated to the garage and I know it will not be used. I had purchased a bassinet, from Craig's List, very early on in her pregnancy. It was a cream color and full of flounce. Pretty darned adorable I thought. And good for either a boy or girl. I bought it from an older couple who had purchased it brand new for their grandbaby about 5 years ago. It had only been used at their house and only a handful of times. For all intents and purposes it was brand new. I don't know for sure how much it cost brand new but I would guess in the $120 range. I got it for a paltry $10. I never told her how much I paid but she did know it was used. Throughout the course of the last few months our friendship has disintergrated. About 2 months ago she got another used bassinet from a friend. It was cute but I must admit I was hurt that she accepted it. It wasn't like it was anything special. The girl asked her if she wanted it and she said yes. Now that one sits in her bedroom and mine is in the garage where her boyfriend smokes. I mentioned to Gary that I am ok with her not using mine but at least put it to some use and sell it. She could easily get 25-50 bucks for it. I was met with great opposition to that suggestion. He didn't want to get involved with any of her mess and what could he do anyways right? I tried to show him reason and that she could get money for it with very little effort. All to no avail. And lots of frustration on my part. So it sits, filling up with smoke and now it may as well go to the dump.

I fought with that demon for a few months and was wholeheartedly never going to do another blasted thing for that ungrateful brat. (daughter not the baby) But then I relented. The baby's room had not been painted or set up. I waited and waited. No one was mentioning doing it. Daughter was getting worried about it not being done. If she had any ingenuity at all she and her boyfriend would have taken it upon themselves to buy the paint and just get it done. But she can't think outside any box that involves her actually having to put forth effort.

I asked Gary about it. He had every excuse in the book. He didn't want to spend the money on a house he may be getting rid of soon. Her mother could help her with it. Why couldn't she and her BF do it? Blah Blah Blah. Finally last weekend I made the offer. I would buy the paint and paint the room. If that was ok? Gary would have no money and no effort put out and neither would anyone else for that matter. I would even let her pick out any color she wanted regardless of my opinion of it. She would have full control of what the room would look like and I would just fund and prepare it. He relented. And agreed to help me with the painting.

Her and I went shopping for the paint. I must say it was rather pleasant. She told me her ideas then asked my opinion. She is going for a jungle/monkey theme. I advised on shades of color and trim. She wanted a different color for the trim. That was fine. I showed her how the room color(sage green) would look next to her choice of trim (brown) and my choice (white). She actually preferred the white. We got the paint and supplies. About $45 later we were headed towards home. She was happy and I was feeling all proud of myself.

The next morning we cleaned out the room and prepped the walls. Gary was just being impatient and moody and didn't want the daughter or her BF under foot all day so I struck a deal with them. This was my gift to them and would they stay away from the room until it was done? I wanted them to have that WOW factor. And it kept them out of Gary's hair. They reluctantly agreed. Gary and I started on the room. I did 3 coats on the trim, Gary cut in the walls and I rolled them out. Two coats and it was looking marvelous. I was mentioning how quickly the paint was drying and that even though I thought we could put the switchplates back on the next day and move the furniture back she really should wait a week to put up the monkey decals. Gary agreed then said "I'm going to have her ask her mother to help with the decals. So she can feel part of all of this too"

A punch in the stomach is what it felt like. I didn't say a word. About a half hour later we were just about done with the last of the trim and the walls were dry and looking pretty good. He asked if I thought it would be ok to have the kids come in and see it. I was ok with that. So they did. They came in and LOVED it. Daughter couldn't gush enough. She was excited and happy and thankful. She thanked me over and over. When she spoke of the decals she asked if I would help her with them. Before I could say anything, Gary said "you should ask your mom". All the air went completely out of the room. Daughter was very upset. "Mom will just bitch about everything. She will want to know who painted and then she will criticize and complain." Her and Gary walked out to the kitchen arguing the whole way about those stupid decals and that lousy ex wife of his.

If the daughter wanted her mom to help her I would be ok with that. (hurt but I have gotten over that before)
If they had had plans to do the room together I would step back.

But there were no such plans. Her mom has done NOTHING for her through this whole pregnancy. She has taken her to the dr visits and criticized her weight gain and stretch marks. There has been nothing positive. Her mom was supposed to plan a baby shower but she couldn't even handle that. Daughter is now almost 38 weeks preggers and there is no baby shower. It really is a sad bunch.

Later I asked Gary for a favor. I asked him to not press daughter to have her mother help. He Blew Up. I was being selfish when he was merely trying to help his daughter and her mother have a relationship. Shame on me for denying them that. OMG....you have got to be kidding me!!??

That room was my labor of love. I waited until the last minute to even take it on so I wouldn't be stepping on any toes. I put out the money and the time and effort to make that room nice for the baby and I did it with a sincere heart. It's not fair that ex-wifey can come over and pick apart my work and complain and make it into a negative thing. It's not fair that after all that is done the daughter and ex wife will miraculously mend ways, put up the stupid decals and daughter will post all over facebook how her mother helped her with the room. It's not fair. I work hard at mantaining a relationship with the daughter and it's not easy. She's not easy. Sometimes there is nothing nice or sweet about her but I still try. That's more than her mother does.

It finally dawned on me that this wasn't the daughter. This wasn't the ex. This was Gary who wanted it. Gary was the one insisting. Gary is the one making the extra effort. Gary is the one being protective of his ex. ANd with no provocation. He admitted that daughter never mentioned doing that room with her mom. He admitted that the ex never mentioned it either. This was just him trying to be "nice". Well gee thanks. I'm so glad you can be "nice" at my expense.

I was reading through my posts of the last year. I can see this goes back to April of last year. I should have jumped then. But I just couldn't help how I felt when I was with him. I haven't "felt" that way in a very long time. I know I need to let go and move on if I ever want the chance to "feel" that way again. My time with Gary has run it's course. I have to stop blowing up the few good months we had into more than it was. I have to look at the reality and recognize what I can't change. What I'll never be able to change. This will not be easy. As you know I tend to hang on WAY too long. Will you indulge my catharsis?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Draw up a chair

Let me tell you of the big nothingness that is going on in my life.

Since we last spoke things have happened and things have not happened.

My granddaughter went through a bad spell and spent a few days in the hospital. Infantile Spasms is what it all ended up being attributed to. Common in preemie infants. We had no idea. Things were quite frightening for awhile. She was crying, screaming and having spells that I can only liken to being zapped by an electric fence. The Dr's put her on prednazone and did every test known to man. They came up with a small "nodule" on her brain that seems to have been part of her development in the womb and infantile spasms. The nodule is of no concern. (to them maybe but to us it was a big deal) And the prednazone seems to have stopped the spasms. It also blew her up like a balloon. She went from 14 to 18 pounds in about a month. But it's not a good weight gain. She wanted to eat every 3 hours and she had no energy to do anything. She was sleeping 22 out of 24 hours. Prednazone is also highly addictive so she has had to be weened off it. She is almost off it and we are seeing the old Emily again. Smiling, happy, interactive....normal. I can't tell you how glad I am to have her back.

My daughters have had their ups and downs. We are all co-habitating under the same roof and since they are both adults I have opted to offer counsel when I deem it absolutely necessary and politely keep my mouth shut the rest of the time.

My on again off again romance with Gary has come to an end. The romance part of it really ended last Summer when his life spun out of control with ex wife and daughter issues. I have been doing my usual thing of hanging on for dear life to nothing. Not really nothing but clearly nothing that will progress any time soon. After last weekend it will not progress at all. I tried. I honestly did. I dealt with the nasty teenage mouth and the wiles of the ex-wife. And for a long time I blamed them for the strife and drama in our lives. I blamed them for the upset and chaos that was keeping us from moving in and moving on together. I was blaming them. (and I still do to a point) The truth of the matter is none of us are compelled to do much of anything that we truly do not want to do. If we are walked on once, shame on the walker. If we are walked on repeatedly it is time to either get up off the floor or stop squabbling about it. That was a thought process that I had been having for awhile about Gary but then one day I had to look at myself in the mirror and say "you are a walkee, when are you going to get up off the floor"? He can chose to blame every one else in his life for his difficulties but I cannot. At least without also trying to find my way out of such difficulties. I am sad and today is a bad day for me. I miss him. I miss what we had last Spring. I miss his funny little french ways. I miss how he makes me laugh. I miss holding his hand. Fingers intertwined. I miss beating him at cribbage (ok so that only happened a few times). I miss planning for the future and planning the next outing. I miss so much. But the truth is I have been missing those things for months. There has been little to no romance for a very long time. I'm not talking about sex, I mean true romance. That feeling of being special. The little looks across the room. The cards for no reason. The midday calls just because he wanted to hear my voice. Telling me everything and nothing at all. Rubbing my shoulders as he walks by. I miss so much. It has taken me months to get over missing those things with him and I'm still not quite there. But now it is once again just something missing in my life. That feeling. I fear there may not be that someone out there who can fulfill my almost insatiable need for romance and love. Does there exist a man who is secure enough in his masculinity to be foolish in love? I'm not talking about stupid sickening kind of romance. Just the hand holding, whispering together, dealing with day to day mundane type of romance. You know, just beyond romance...true love. Does it truly exist? Can it ever be sustained? Why is it such a need of mine?