Will you indulge me?

Part of letting go is working through it. For me that also includes analyzing it and trying to figure out if I could have done anything different. I have been doing this in my head the last few months because I think I already knew the answers but I just couldn't bear to hear them from someone else. I've started talking. And listening. Now I'm ready to start writing and to move forward with my letting go.

The last day:

His daughter is having a baby. She is 37 weeks pregnant and the baby room is still not ready. Gary has no interest in  prepping and painting and has actually been very gruff whenever I bring it up. Even though she has made my life miserable with her immature and manipulative ways I still have a soft spot. That spot has shrunk considerably over the last few months but there is still a glimmer.

The one thing I have bought for her baby she had relegated to the garage and I know it will not be used. I had purchased a bassinet, from Craig's List, very early on in her pregnancy. It was a cream color and full of flounce. Pretty darned adorable I thought. And good for either a boy or girl. I bought it from an older couple who had purchased it brand new for their grandbaby about 5 years ago. It had only been used at their house and only a handful of times. For all intents and purposes it was brand new. I don't know for sure how much it cost brand new but I would guess in the $120 range. I got it for a paltry $10. I never told her how much I paid but she did know it was used. Throughout the course of the last few months our friendship has disintergrated. About 2 months ago she got another used bassinet from a friend. It was cute but I must admit I was hurt that she accepted it. It wasn't like it was anything special. The girl asked her if she wanted it and she said yes. Now that one sits in her bedroom and mine is in the garage where her boyfriend smokes. I mentioned to Gary that I am ok with her not using mine but at least put it to some use and sell it. She could easily get 25-50 bucks for it. I was met with great opposition to that suggestion. He didn't want to get involved with any of her mess and what could he do anyways right? I tried to show him reason and that she could get money for it with very little effort. All to no avail. And lots of frustration on my part. So it sits, filling up with smoke and now it may as well go to the dump.

I fought with that demon for a few months and was wholeheartedly never going to do another blasted thing for that ungrateful brat. (daughter not the baby) But then I relented. The baby's room had not been painted or set up. I waited and waited. No one was mentioning doing it. Daughter was getting worried about it not being done. If she had any ingenuity at all she and her boyfriend would have taken it upon themselves to buy the paint and just get it done. But she can't think outside any box that involves her actually having to put forth effort.

I asked Gary about it. He had every excuse in the book. He didn't want to spend the money on a house he may be getting rid of soon. Her mother could help her with it. Why couldn't she and her BF do it? Blah Blah Blah. Finally last weekend I made the offer. I would buy the paint and paint the room. If that was ok? Gary would have no money and no effort put out and neither would anyone else for that matter. I would even let her pick out any color she wanted regardless of my opinion of it. She would have full control of what the room would look like and I would just fund and prepare it. He relented. And agreed to help me with the painting.

Her and I went shopping for the paint. I must say it was rather pleasant. She told me her ideas then asked my opinion. She is going for a jungle/monkey theme. I advised on shades of color and trim. She wanted a different color for the trim. That was fine. I showed her how the room color(sage green) would look next to her choice of trim (brown) and my choice (white). She actually preferred the white. We got the paint and supplies. About $45 later we were headed towards home. She was happy and I was feeling all proud of myself.

The next morning we cleaned out the room and prepped the walls. Gary was just being impatient and moody and didn't want the daughter or her BF under foot all day so I struck a deal with them. This was my gift to them and would they stay away from the room until it was done? I wanted them to have that WOW factor. And it kept them out of Gary's hair. They reluctantly agreed. Gary and I started on the room. I did 3 coats on the trim, Gary cut in the walls and I rolled them out. Two coats and it was looking marvelous. I was mentioning how quickly the paint was drying and that even though I thought we could put the switchplates back on the next day and move the furniture back she really should wait a week to put up the monkey decals. Gary agreed then said "I'm going to have her ask her mother to help with the decals. So she can feel part of all of this too"

A punch in the stomach is what it felt like. I didn't say a word. About a half hour later we were just about done with the last of the trim and the walls were dry and looking pretty good. He asked if I thought it would be ok to have the kids come in and see it. I was ok with that. So they did. They came in and LOVED it. Daughter couldn't gush enough. She was excited and happy and thankful. She thanked me over and over. When she spoke of the decals she asked if I would help her with them. Before I could say anything, Gary said "you should ask your mom". All the air went completely out of the room. Daughter was very upset. "Mom will just bitch about everything. She will want to know who painted and then she will criticize and complain." Her and Gary walked out to the kitchen arguing the whole way about those stupid decals and that lousy ex wife of his.

If the daughter wanted her mom to help her I would be ok with that. (hurt but I have gotten over that before)
If they had had plans to do the room together I would step back.

But there were no such plans. Her mom has done NOTHING for her through this whole pregnancy. She has taken her to the dr visits and criticized her weight gain and stretch marks. There has been nothing positive. Her mom was supposed to plan a baby shower but she couldn't even handle that. Daughter is now almost 38 weeks preggers and there is no baby shower. It really is a sad bunch.

Later I asked Gary for a favor. I asked him to not press daughter to have her mother help. He Blew Up. I was being selfish when he was merely trying to help his daughter and her mother have a relationship. Shame on me for denying them that. OMG....you have got to be kidding me!!??

That room was my labor of love. I waited until the last minute to even take it on so I wouldn't be stepping on any toes. I put out the money and the time and effort to make that room nice for the baby and I did it with a sincere heart. It's not fair that ex-wifey can come over and pick apart my work and complain and make it into a negative thing. It's not fair that after all that is done the daughter and ex wife will miraculously mend ways, put up the stupid decals and daughter will post all over facebook how her mother helped her with the room. It's not fair. I work hard at mantaining a relationship with the daughter and it's not easy. She's not easy. Sometimes there is nothing nice or sweet about her but I still try. That's more than her mother does.

It finally dawned on me that this wasn't the daughter. This wasn't the ex. This was Gary who wanted it. Gary was the one insisting. Gary is the one making the extra effort. Gary is the one being protective of his ex. ANd with no provocation. He admitted that daughter never mentioned doing that room with her mom. He admitted that the ex never mentioned it either. This was just him trying to be "nice". Well gee thanks. I'm so glad you can be "nice" at my expense.

I was reading through my posts of the last year. I can see this goes back to April of last year. I should have jumped then. But I just couldn't help how I felt when I was with him. I haven't "felt" that way in a very long time. I know I need to let go and move on if I ever want the chance to "feel" that way again. My time with Gary has run it's course. I have to stop blowing up the few good months we had into more than it was. I have to look at the reality and recognize what I can't change. What I'll never be able to change. This will not be easy. As you know I tend to hang on WAY too long. Will you indulge my catharsis?