Kinda funny how things go

When I last posted things were tentative. Life was on hold. I was hanging on by a very small thread. I was just taking whatever slivers of time I could get with Gary. My head and heart were still hanging on to how he had made me feel in the beginning. I wanted that feeling back so damned bad that I once again was that desperate person in a one sided relationship. It sucked.

Well it took a turn for the worse. Believe it or not it actually got worse. Gary's life completely fell apart. His daughter is living with him with her boyfriend and baby. His crazy and greedy ex wife did what well within her legal right and asked DHS to enforce the divorce decree. He got a one week notice that his checks were being attached for child support and alimony. Child support for a kid that doesn't even live with her.

Gary is the only one to blame here. He should have gone to court and had the custody arrangement changed but he didn't. He trusted the ex one more time when she has never shown one ounce of integrity in her life. She has driven him into bankruptcy, foreclosure, he drives around in a vehicle that is worth about $500 and now she is taking half of his paycheck. He has literally shut down. He doesn't want to hear any negative comments about her and the situation. He already knows it all. I am not supposed to have any thoughts or opinions. He is so overwhelmed and closed off that he is not even close to being the same guy I met. He will not accept any help or advice from anyone. He has avoided his family and kept me at arms length. Finally a couple of weeks ago he ended it. 

Of course I couldn't accept that so I would wait a few days then send some inane text and we would start talking again.  I finally started to notice that I was initiating all the conversation and when he didn't reply at all when I wished him a happy birthday that was when I HAD to face the reality. What we had was good and fun but it is over.

I miss him so much and I spent about 2 weeks in bed. I'm serious....I would get up just enough to go to work but I was in bed every night by 7pm and I literally spent 2 full weekends in bed. Memorial day was the first bright sunny day we had in a long time and I spent it in bed. Curtains closed, watching a marathon of Law and Order. I felt so sad and lonely that it was physically painful. It has been painful since October. I am still sad. I am still lonely but I am forcing myself to get out. FORCING myself to start thinking about moving on. I dread the internet dating thing but I guess it will come to that eventually.

I've hated my life for the last 8 months and it is time to start looking forward again. It's time to get over my sorry self and just be happy.  I don't have a clue how to do that but if I keep telling myself that it just may happen.