Starting fresh- honestly

Back in Oct when everything blew up with Da'na and he found out about Ea'rl and I, I had deleted everything in my phone. Call it survival or guilt but I wanted to erase all evidence to prove I wasn't so bad. Well I was bad. Ea'rl was bad. But when it all came out I found out that Ea'rl was big liar. I spent days, weeks under his proverbial bus. He claimed that I was lying or had an over active imagination. He admitted to talking to me about intimate things and his lack of wanting to get married to D'eb but he denied the plans. Plans that he had initiated. Plans that he SWORE this time would be fulfilled. He said I made it all up. The beginning of the end. Because my first instinct on the fateful revealing night was to erase all the texts I had nothing to prove I wasn't insane, lying or just plain making it up. I even started doubting myself. I started to doubt my own mind. I was so filled with loss and despair.

Weeks went by. Da'na and I continued a psuedo friendship that was really just the winding down of things. But his family found out and I received nasty calls on Xmas Eve and it was rubbed in my face again about Ea'rl and how I was totally stupid and it had never happened and how even he was saying how dumb I was. At that point I decided I needed a new start with a few less people in my life so on New Ye'ars Eve I sent Da'na an email telling him goodbye and for good. He responded and also called and sent me letters but I ignored it all. I was truly done with him and totally let it all go and shut the door.

But the real past I needed to delete and walk away from was back, knocking. Ea'rl has been texting with me since about Jan. Started out like it always does. "I'm sorry about everything, never wanted to hurt you", blah blah blah. It soon melded into "I can't live without you but I need to take care of things on my end before I leave. Just be patient and trust me and things will be great." Can you believe that 4+ years and 2 women later I was still believing his sh!t? 3 weeks ago I just came out and asked what his time frame was and his answer was the middle of the end. I was upset but I didn't cry. I think I finally, finally got it. I finally saw the forest for the trees. I realized it was never going to happen and if it did it was tarnished, tainted, broken beyond repair. I told him good bye. I erased his name from my contact list. I confessed to my mom and BFF just to be sure I was no longer hiding. But I still had countless texts and several pics he had sent. Validation that I hadn't imagined it. Evidence that he was playing me and continued the game even after being horribly caught. Proof that it wasn't I who was insane. Proof.

Proof of what? I asked myself this morning. Proof that he says one thing and does another? Proof that he is a loser and a user? I don't need proof of that or anything else that went on. My whole insides have been a wreck. That should be and is all the proof I need of the "relationship" I had with Ea'rl.

So this morning I deleted everything. All the pics. All the I Love You's. All the "I can't stop thinking about you". Everything is gone. No trace. Not even the tracks of my tears anymore.

A vacuum is pretty much where I live these days but it's not as bad as it was a week ago. It's actually not bad at all. It leaves me with a clean slate. A fresh start. Only took me way too long to get here.

I want a good healthy relationship and I know there is no room in my life in any capacity for Ea'rl and there's no room in his life for me. We have only destroyed as we went along, never built anything good or lasting.

Finally the end of the end.

This soul is clean.