I wish...

I wish the day to day things weren't so mundane.
I wish I didn't worry so much about winter.
I wish I wasn't alone.
I wish he didn't call.
I wish I could just ignore him without having to try so hard.
I wish I could just get away from it all.



Somedays it still just gets to me. All of it. Nothing in particular. Just all of it. Another year is almost gone and I'm still waiting. Waiting for something to happen that will let me know that now is the first day of the rest of my life. It just hasn't happened yet. He's called and texted a couple of times. I haven't replied. Do you have any idea how that feels? Or how hard it is? I know that I need to find someone new to fill my heart. But do you know how hard that is? I've had a couple of near misses. And I've had way too many conversations with dickheads. I've had a couple of nice guys be interested but there has just been no spark. When I say no spark, I'm not talking about chemical physical reaction. I mean, no conversation beyond the basics. I have tried to give it time for the "chemical thing" to happen but when there is no conversation, it's just plain painful. How many ways can you answer "how are you today?" Even when I answer in a leading way I'm just not able to drag conversation out of a few of these guys. So here I sit. Still waiting. Still hoping. Still wondering what is wrong with me that I haven't been able to find someone. Still glad that I'm not where I was and still glad that I'm not willing to settle.