Not all who wander are lost.

I've been bitten by the travel bug. 

I'm tossing around the idea of visiting Winterset, IA next year. I would also be about 2 hours from Stanberry, MO, which is where my pen pal from school days grew up. I could check two more states off my bucket list, visit the bridges of Madison County and possibly meet my pen pal. Oh....and I'm going to do it solo, I think.

Does anyone still drop by here? Considering even I have not been her in a couple of years I think it would be foolish to think anyone else does.

I'm listening to FL Senate judiciary committee meeting today. Even though I am in Maine I have a very vested interest in what is happening in FL today. One of the bills being considered today is a 50/50 shared custody and alimony bill.


Sen Tom Lee's bill SB 250 is part of a wider reaching Alimony Reform movement.
I am more than interested in that bill making it through the Judiciary meeting so that it can eventually make it to the Senate floor to be voted into law.


But in this exact moment I am in amazement at how much time and energy is wasted in these committee meetings. Guess I need to watch more of these meetings to fully understand how slow the wheels of our government turn. Over an hour being spent on a religious bill to protect clergy from performing marriages that go against their religious beliefs mostly in regards to Gay marriage. Pretty sure there is already enough support to pass it but they are still rehashing it.

Next first steps

After 17 years in the same place I am in the process of getting my house listed for sale. My kids are grown and it is time for them to move out and move on and it is time for me to move on to my next stage of life. It's not easy. My emotions are all over the place. Happy, relieved, sad, worried, sentimental. I know I am ready it's just a matter of getting through this process.

Every once in awhile....

.....I manage to swing by this place.

Seems I have lost my mojo for writing. I think up such great posts (imo) for facebook but then never post them. I decide they are either too long for a post or I'd rather not share with alot of the people on my friend list. Not sure why it never occurs to me to dump them here. I'll try to do better on occurring in the future.

2 things you may have not known about me (if you are not on my FB friend list) is that in the last 8 months I have lost 51.1 lbs. Woot!! And......I have taken up running. Yeah, you heard that right. This fatty arbuckle has been running 5K marathons all summer. Too funny, huh?

Yay....still on the losing end

I really don't seem to have much time to devote to this but I do at least want to keep up with my WW results. I am depending on you to keep me accountable.

We didn't meet last week because of the storm so I was looking forward to weighing in today. I was nervous and anxious. Wanting to lose alot but not feeling like I have l lost an ounce. I was very happily surprised to see a loss of 2.3 lbs. Total loss is now at 12.9!   My next goal is 15 lbs. I wish it would happen for next week but I'm thinking more like 2 weeks. I'm going to work on tweaking a couple of my behaviours. I'm going to eat my daily points but only dip into my weekly points on the weekend. No going over the daily during the week. Hopefully I will get outdoors this weekend too.

I gained

I'm disappointed but not discouraged. I know that it had nothing to do with what I ate and everything to do with being a woman. The water retention and bloated feeling has been bugging me all week, I just felt it was going to be bad. Also I had 2 big weeks so I guess a minor set back is ok.

blown away

My department hires about a half dozen people to help us out on a temporary basis. They were hired in Nov and will be with us until April.

One of them passed away over the weekend. Talk about blown away. He was just here last Thursday. He actually passed last Fri in the back of an ambulance. It is believed he had bacterial menangitis. There has been a huge fervor over the whole thing. Between the shock of him passing (at age 42) and the health risk of a contagious illness and tax season smacking us square in the face it has been a weirder than weird day.

I am extremely sad. The guy was one of my buddies. He worked with us last year too and had the same late night shift as me. We were scheduled to work the late nights together again this year. I was also his mentor. It just seems so sad and senseless.

I'm still battling the hungry beast. Could be a PMS thing. I dunno. All I know is I have to figure out with beast I want to live with...the Hungry Beast or the Guilty Beast? I'm chosing hungry beast. I am also stocking up on lots of zero point goodies.My friend Lynn is battling the hunger beast but she feels it is stress from the job and many other things. Who knows? All I know is it helps me immmensly to have her so close as a support person. I ended my day using 34 pts. I still have more than half of my weekly points available and only 2 more days left in the week. Even though I feel like a piglet in my jeans today I still feel ok that I should still see a loss on the scale.

Work is busy but not crazy busy....that will come on Thursday.

Today is my daughter Sarah's birthday. 20 years old. Holy Cow!

Hungry beast

I hate the way Blogger is set up now. It seems like when I want to log in and write a post it keeps sending me all over the place and I have a hard time ending up here. Maybe within a few more log-ins I will have this figured out.

I'm working today. Yeah, I know it is  national holiday but the nature of our beast dictates working today and taking some time off in a few months. The boss brought Pizza and salad and soda. I had the salad and dt soda and 1 slice of pizza. I am full but not satisfied. I have no idea why but that gnawing hunger just won't go away today. Oh well.....that is one of the things to fight through. No caving into to the hungry beast. I must keep him at bay.

One of the things that I do like about being at work is I can take advantage of a free work out on one of the best devices for trimming the butt and legs. Climbing the stairs several times a day has been working out pretty good. I work on the 3rd floor but have started climbing the stairs to the 4th floor then walking to the next nearest stairs and coming back down to the 3rd floor. I am very easily entertained

2012 Lobster Dip

                                     

 Yup those crazy people were jumping into the ocean today. The air temp was a balmy 43 degrees and the ocean was boiling over at 45 degrees. It really was a very decent day.

Gary and I attended but obviously did not participate.

Before all of that took place I was up and out the door at 7:30 this morning. Part of my weightloss commitment is getting up and moving alot more. I tend to be a couch tater so sometimes I have to fight through that urge. Early mornings work best for me. I explored a trail that I have been wanting to hike for a little while now. I think it was about 2 1/2 miles with 2 majors hills. The second one I call heartbreak hill. It is long and steep and is really just the road that leads into Gary's development. It literally takes my breath away. I am getting stronger though. I marched up the hill with no breaks. I was huffing and puffing when I crested the top though. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is looking out their windows and checking out my silliness as I trudge on by. I had a major case of "I think I can" going on up that hill and I'm sure it could be quite entertaining to any onlookers.

Sunday: (so far)

Coffee x2                                              2 pts

Oatmeal                                                4 pts

Unsweetened applesauce                      0 pts

Peanut butter sandwich on Oat bread   7 pts

Unsweetened grapefruit cup                 0 pts

Yogurt                                                   2 pts

Hall's vitamin C drops  (2@ 1pt each)  2 pts

We are having meatloaf for dinner so I must admit that I am saving my points for that.

(I had the meatloaf with mashed potatoes and corn)

Meatloaf (2x2in piece)-                       8 pts

mashed potatoes -                                6 pts

whole kernel corn-                               4 pts

12 oz Diet Sierra mist                          0 pts

Total points                                        35 pts



Did you know that Weight Watchers has a pocket guide that outlines the point system? It gives lots of examples of how many points any given food item is worth, I call it my mini bible. I wouldn't go anywhere without it these days. I am thumbing through it all the time but every once in awhile I will see something that I had missed. Today's catch: Ostrich (cooked) 3oz- 3 pts.

weighing in

I did it and I did it at a most (in)opportune time.

I joined weight watchers.

My first official weigh in was on Dec 15. Since that time I have lost 11 pounds! I lost 6.9 pounds on week 1 and 4.1 this past week. Thursdays are the weigh in day. Some day I will share what my starting weight was and what my current weight is but not yet. I will say that I need to lose alot and that my ultimate goal is to get down to the weight on my license. That is really not unreasonable. As a matter of fact it is just about the weight that I should be at to be considered healthy. For now I'm aiming at small goals. I have already met my first one which was 10lbs.  My next goal is 20lbs.

It's really not so bad and I am actually finding it rather easy to follow. We went to Applebees tonight and I had the 7oz sirloin with mashed potatoes and broccoli. It was delicious and about 13 pts. I am allowed 32 pts a day + 49 extra over the course of the week.

Sat: Coffee w/milk and sugar                                                             1pt
       Whole wheat toast
             w/ promise spread and a spinkle of cinnemon and sugar      4 pts
        unsweetened applesauce                                                            0 pts
       candies (6 mini non parels)                                                         4pts
       Pizza (1/2 of 10 inch personal size. Bacon and onion)              10pts
       Banana                                                                                        0 pts
       non fat yogurt (key lime pie)                                                      2 pts
       7oz sirloin                                                                                   7 pts
       garlic mashed potatoes (only ate half)                                        6 pts
       steamed broccoli                                                                         0 pts
       2 onion rings                                                                               6 pts
total for the day                                                                                40 pts

I used my 32 for today and 8 of my weekly extra points. Most of the time I have a hard time getting all my points in. Most fresh and veggies are zero pts. You'll see that I have several of those throughout the day. That keeps me from being hungry and I get close to the 5 portions that are recommended.

When it comes to counting pts, if I'm not sure I will estimate high. Like the pizza is from the corner store so I don't know exactly how many pts there are but I just compare it to places I do know. I found a website that is completely free and has sooo much restaurant info. www.dwlz.com It is great and has hundreds of restaurants listed and thousands of menu items listed with the weight watcher points.

It's amazing how many calories/pts there are in some of the restaurant foods. One of the things that is starting to happen for me is I truly cannot eat the huge portions anymore. I am also making better choices. For instance, tonight I chose to treat myself to 2 onion rings. I got to enjoy the yummy taste but didn't load up on them like I normally would have. I didn't get that bloated feeling and I didn't have any guilt. Then I chose to eat mostly sirloin and broccoli  and potatoes were more of a side treat. I knew I couldn't finish the whole plate and figured it was better to get my whole serving of veggie and protein and leave the potatoes behind when I got too full. It helps that I LIKE broccoli and steak. I didn't feel like I was sacrificing anything. I also ate to the point of being satisfied and didn't overstuff myself. That is harder to do than you would think. It is hard to put down the fork with a few bites left on the plate.After being trained for 45 years to "clean your plate" it's a difficult mindset ot get over. But it IS a mindset.

I'm feeling really motivated and energized. My pants are a little loser. I am soi glad I did this and I'm glad I didn't wait until next week to start. Being more mindful of how I was eating through the holidays was a good thing.

Draw up a chair

Let me tell you of the big nothingness that is going on in my life.

Since we last spoke things have happened and things have not happened.

My granddaughter went through a bad spell and spent a few days in the hospital. Infantile Spasms is what it all ended up being attributed to. Common in preemie infants. We had no idea. Things were quite frightening for awhile. She was crying, screaming and having spells that I can only liken to being zapped by an electric fence. The Dr's put her on prednazone and did every test known to man. They came up with a small "nodule" on her brain that seems to have been part of her development in the womb and infantile spasms. The nodule is of no concern. (to them maybe but to us it was a big deal) And the prednazone seems to have stopped the spasms. It also blew her up like a balloon. She went from 14 to 18 pounds in about a month. But it's not a good weight gain. She wanted to eat every 3 hours and she had no energy to do anything. She was sleeping 22 out of 24 hours. Prednazone is also highly addictive so she has had to be weened off it. She is almost off it and we are seeing the old Emily again. Smiling, happy, interactive....normal. I can't tell you how glad I am to have her back.

My daughters have had their ups and downs. We are all co-habitating under the same roof and since they are both adults I have opted to offer counsel when I deem it absolutely necessary and politely keep my mouth shut the rest of the time.

My on again off again romance with Gary has come to an end. The romance part of it really ended last Summer when his life spun out of control with ex wife and daughter issues. I have been doing my usual thing of hanging on for dear life to nothing. Not really nothing but clearly nothing that will progress any time soon. After last weekend it will not progress at all. I tried. I honestly did. I dealt with the nasty teenage mouth and the wiles of the ex-wife. And for a long time I blamed them for the strife and drama in our lives. I blamed them for the upset and chaos that was keeping us from moving in and moving on together. I was blaming them. (and I still do to a point) The truth of the matter is none of us are compelled to do much of anything that we truly do not want to do. If we are walked on once, shame on the walker. If we are walked on repeatedly it is time to either get up off the floor or stop squabbling about it. That was a thought process that I had been having for awhile about Gary but then one day I had to look at myself in the mirror and say "you are a walkee, when are you going to get up off the floor"? He can chose to blame every one else in his life for his difficulties but I cannot. At least without also trying to find my way out of such difficulties. I am sad and today is a bad day for me. I miss him. I miss what we had last Spring. I miss his funny little french ways. I miss how he makes me laugh. I miss holding his hand. Fingers intertwined. I miss beating him at cribbage (ok so that only happened a few times). I miss planning for the future and planning the next outing. I miss so much. But the truth is I have been missing those things for months. There has been little to no romance for a very long time. I'm not talking about sex, I mean true romance. That feeling of being special. The little looks across the room. The cards for no reason. The midday calls just because he wanted to hear my voice. Telling me everything and nothing at all. Rubbing my shoulders as he walks by. I miss so much. It has taken me months to get over missing those things with him and I'm still not quite there. But now it is once again just something missing in my life. That feeling. I fear there may not be that someone out there who can fulfill my almost insatiable need for romance and love. Does there exist a man who is secure enough in his masculinity to be foolish in love? I'm not talking about stupid sickening kind of romance. Just the hand holding, whispering together, dealing with day to day mundane type of romance. You know, just beyond romance...true love. Does it truly exist? Can it ever be sustained? Why is it such a need of mine?

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands

I am happy. Kinda still in limbo as far as all the external drama goes but the rest is good.

I'm still living at my house and will continue to do that until I sell it. Even at that point I will not move in with Gary until all of his custody issues are settled which it appears that will not happen until his daughter turns 18. But that's ok. She turns 18 next Dec. Just 10 1/2 months. Does that mean the money stops pouring out of his wallet? No, but it means that psychological warfare with the ex will end. That means that he will not have to answer to her for anything anymore. At that point he can support his daughter as he sees fit without a court order.

I also have decided that I will not move back into his house. It's been up in the air whether he is going to keep it or not. I think it is a great financial deal to keep it. A couple of years and he should be able to sell it for a profit but emotionally, I can't take it. And he is struggling too. He is finally ready to be completely rid of the ex and that includes the house. He wants to start fresh but now may not be a good time to sell. Decisions decisions.

But all in all, who cares about all that stuff. We are spending as much time together as we want. Well almost as much time. We hung out with my cousins last weekend and had a great time. It was much needed down time with another happy couple. It's amazing how much better the outlook is when you spend time in the presence of other happy stable people.

I did have my second face to face meeting with his ex. We saw her in Walmart. My judgement probably is a little biased but she is looking more and more like a crack whore. Down to about 100 lbs, very gaunt looking with large dark circles/bags under her eyes. I gave her a glance and a big smile then walked away. I have zero use for her and her ridiculousness.

Snowing

Just like most of the eastern seaboard, we are blanketed by snow. I braved it. Wish I hadn't. The visibility is HORRIBLE. They are talking about shutting down our office early so we can get home before it gets dark. That would be a great thing.

Limbo is not so bad

I haven't cried myself to sleep in11 days. That is saying alot considering I had been crying myself to sleep on a nightly basis since Nov 6.

We are dating. Enjoying each other's company. Laughing at silly things. Talking about serious things. Where will it go from here? Who knows? I'm more cautious and reserved. He hates that but has to give me time and effort to get through this. He has been putting in alot of effort but not in a "win me back" way, just in a "I truly care about you" way. We are in limbo. Wanting the past when we were together and wanting the future when we will be together. For now it's good.

I love him and he loves me so I guess we just need to figure things out.

Kinda funny

One of these days he will not text or one of these days I will not answer....but yesterday was not that day.

He texted: Happy New Years!
I texted: Thanks, same to you. Hope it's a good one
Him: are you still with that guy?
Me: yes. are you still with your wife?

He didn't reply. Maybe he has finally reached the point where he will not text anymore. I hope so because I can't seem to help myself from sending him the zingers.

Holding on

I can't explain it but it's different. Yeah I know...that's what we all say when we are trying to convince ourselves as much as we are trying to convince others that our decision is jusified and valid. But seriously it is different. I'm not hanging on to a wish for feelings. I'm hanging onto a dream for a reality that I know can come true. The issues are bad but can mostly be worked out through time if nothing else. Someday his daughter will be 18 (less than a year) and even though it's not in either of us to abandon our children (even the adult ones), there will be a time when we can contribute what we want when we want. There will come a day when the court order will go away. There will come a day when we will be free to live where we want. There will come a day when we can come and go as we please. There will come a day.

These are the things I keep assuring myself of. When I look at the grand scheme and think "in 5 years will any of this matter?" I truly think that it will not. I know that there may be some financial hurdles to get over but those are doable. I am already living in the basement of my own house...I guess i can make it anywhere. *grins* All I know is that I love him and not for what he can and can't do for me but because of how he makes me feel when I am with him. He is funny and loving. He makes me laugh right out loud. He makes me all warm and fuzzy and silly inside.

I hope it doesn't take 5 years to reach that place where "none of this matters anymore". I hope that things will start to fall into place soon. Edge, I appreciate your comment and the constant friendship but I have to admit that I really don't know when to hold 'em or when to throw 'em. But I'm gonna hold this hand for awhile longer.

Turning

"Are you done with me?"

"I is not"

Well then what exactly is it? What is it that has pulled us apart and kept us apart?

The new year seems filled with hope. Gary and I got together New Years day and the day after. We have talked and talked and talked. He's worried about his daughter. Has feelings of guilt. Is still battling emotional demons from the ex and is totally overwhelmed with finances. But......wants back what we had.

We are talking. Taking it slow. Dating for now. Spending time together. Working on us. He has some work to do for me. This has damaged me. I have cried so much that I swear I have no more tears. My heart has ached in a way I truly never knew. I have to admit in the beginning he was a nice distraction from Earl. He was loyal and faithful and sensitive and funny and protective and normal. Everything I wanted. Everything I needed. It wan't long before I just couldn't stop thinking about him. I longed to see him and missed him terribly. And he felt the same. I rescued his troubled mind and soul and showed him how good things can be. But it seems that no matter how good things are the ex and kids are having no part of it and will do anything in their power to stop it. Don't get me wrong, I have a decent relationship with his daughter. It's not that she doesn't like me. What she doesn't like is him having a backbone and saying no. She is selfish. She wants to live with her boyfriend like grownups but not have to pay for it or have responsibities. She thought that he would allow that if I wasn't in the picture. She was wrong. The ex just wants his whole paycheck. And she just about has it. In spite of getting an very large amount of child support and alimony and still can't manage her bills and is in danger of losing her apartment. She is complaining that she doesn't have enough money to get a larger apartment for her and the daughter and the daughter's boyfriend and the soon to be born grandchild. She is trying to guilt Gary into making sure he gets a big enough apartment to house the brood IF she loses her place. She doesn't see why he can't just work OT to keep the house. She doesn't see why he is struggling financially. I guess she is forgetting that he is giving her about half of his paycheck each week.

 She is a tool. And he is a doormat for her. He needs to get help dealing with all those issues. It may be too much for us to overcome. I truly think that if his kids were grown and couldn't be used against him that things would be ALOT better. As a matter of fact I don't think there would be issues at all. But his daughter IS still a minor and now she is pregnant, so it's just another whole set of issues.

Slow....really slow. When I really want the whole ball of wax I have to take things SLOW. Dating. Spending time. Preparing for the future. Hoping it's with him but preparing for it to be on my own.

The new year has started out ok. I'm hoping that things will continue on an upswing. I'm hoping.

Dealing

I can deal with stress.
I thrive on it.
It's the depression during quiet times that is killing me.