Draw up a chair

Let me tell you of the big nothingness that is going on in my life.

Since we last spoke things have happened and things have not happened.

My granddaughter went through a bad spell and spent a few days in the hospital. Infantile Spasms is what it all ended up being attributed to. Common in preemie infants. We had no idea. Things were quite frightening for awhile. She was crying, screaming and having spells that I can only liken to being zapped by an electric fence. The Dr's put her on prednazone and did every test known to man. They came up with a small "nodule" on her brain that seems to have been part of her development in the womb and infantile spasms. The nodule is of no concern. (to them maybe but to us it was a big deal) And the prednazone seems to have stopped the spasms. It also blew her up like a balloon. She went from 14 to 18 pounds in about a month. But it's not a good weight gain. She wanted to eat every 3 hours and she had no energy to do anything. She was sleeping 22 out of 24 hours. Prednazone is also highly addictive so she has had to be weened off it. She is almost off it and we are seeing the old Emily again. Smiling, happy, interactive....normal. I can't tell you how glad I am to have her back.

My daughters have had their ups and downs. We are all co-habitating under the same roof and since they are both adults I have opted to offer counsel when I deem it absolutely necessary and politely keep my mouth shut the rest of the time.

My on again off again romance with Gary has come to an end. The romance part of it really ended last Summer when his life spun out of control with ex wife and daughter issues. I have been doing my usual thing of hanging on for dear life to nothing. Not really nothing but clearly nothing that will progress any time soon. After last weekend it will not progress at all. I tried. I honestly did. I dealt with the nasty teenage mouth and the wiles of the ex-wife. And for a long time I blamed them for the strife and drama in our lives. I blamed them for the upset and chaos that was keeping us from moving in and moving on together. I was blaming them. (and I still do to a point) The truth of the matter is none of us are compelled to do much of anything that we truly do not want to do. If we are walked on once, shame on the walker. If we are walked on repeatedly it is time to either get up off the floor or stop squabbling about it. That was a thought process that I had been having for awhile about Gary but then one day I had to look at myself in the mirror and say "you are a walkee, when are you going to get up off the floor"? He can chose to blame every one else in his life for his difficulties but I cannot. At least without also trying to find my way out of such difficulties. I am sad and today is a bad day for me. I miss him. I miss what we had last Spring. I miss his funny little french ways. I miss how he makes me laugh. I miss holding his hand. Fingers intertwined. I miss beating him at cribbage (ok so that only happened a few times). I miss planning for the future and planning the next outing. I miss so much. But the truth is I have been missing those things for months. There has been little to no romance for a very long time. I'm not talking about sex, I mean true romance. That feeling of being special. The little looks across the room. The cards for no reason. The midday calls just because he wanted to hear my voice. Telling me everything and nothing at all. Rubbing my shoulders as he walks by. I miss so much. It has taken me months to get over missing those things with him and I'm still not quite there. But now it is once again just something missing in my life. That feeling. I fear there may not be that someone out there who can fulfill my almost insatiable need for romance and love. Does there exist a man who is secure enough in his masculinity to be foolish in love? I'm not talking about stupid sickening kind of romance. Just the hand holding, whispering together, dealing with day to day mundane type of romance. You know, just beyond romance...true love. Does it truly exist? Can it ever be sustained? Why is it such a need of mine?