Not really loving an emptier nest

There was a time that I was begging for peace and quiet.
I used to think less was more.
Sometimes I do still yearn for long clean lines. Wide open spaces. A home and a life free of clutter.
I do love my alone time. Reading a good book, napping or just thinking.
I've been leary of change.
Downright frightened to make decisions because of the fear of change.
What if it doesn't work out? What am I getting myself into?
The kids wanted a kitten, I didn't want the responsibility and mess. I caved in.
Then they wanted another. I didn't want the extra responsibility. But he was soo cute and cuddly so home he came.
7 years passed. The kids went through puberty. I went through a divorce.
Frustration and feelings of being out of control made me long for less.
Less animals making a mess.
Less kids making me crazy.
Less men driving me nutz.
So I got a dog. We all know how that has turned out.
Then I got Sam. All's well on the mountaintop.
But then things started to change in a different way.
My daughter got a boyfriend and unofficially moved out. I miss seeing her every day.
My gorgeous cat Fluffy hasn't been home in a month. I miss his sweet smelling fur and his loud purring.

All this time I thought I wanted less. But I deal a whole lot better with new things coming into my life than I do with losing things that I love dearly.
I had said that when the cats were gone that would be it. No more animals.
The teenage years had me longing for the days when the kids would be grown and on their own. Maybe then they'd appreciate me.
What I didn't realize was how much I would miss them. I can't believe I ever mistook the kids and all the other living beings in my life as clutter. They sure can create alot of clutter but they are gems.
I know it's all change. I know empty nests are a transition. And my nest isn't so empty. I'm just really missing the babies that have left. I have come to terms that Fluffy is more than likely gone for good. But Heather isn't gone, she is only a phone call away. And it's ok that she is too busy for her old Mom. That's how we raise them, to go out and get busy with their lives. I am also coming to realize that it isn't so much that she has no time for me . It's that I have to find a way to stop wanting so much time with her.

I don't know how to say what I'm really feeling. Just feeling a little sorry for the years that are gone and how much we miss along the way when we are too caught up in life.

Just another evening

Of doing what I love to do these days. It's become a solitary life but one that I am enjoying. Can you believe this beach is only about 20 min from where I work? I left the office last night and landed here with a book and my camera. I strolled into the water and it was heavenly.

Beach off E. Grand Ave, Old Orchard Beach, ME

Plenty enough room to play ball

And fly kites.

My eyes, these days, cannot stop snapping pictures. My thoughts cannot be conveyed in just words. It's become an addiction. The snapping and shooting and searching and chasing. The quick stops on a mountain road at sunset...
Rte 26A, Gray, ME
North Hill, Buckfield, ME

Or a few minutes spent at a lake...


Middle Range Pond, Poland, ME

I am a very lucky person. I get to see those places, in different shades of light every day. By the time I got home last night I was still on a high from all the wonders. Suddenly I had an idea. I wanted to go in the pool. It was dusk, just hints of pink in the sky. I begged Heather to join me and she did. We ran laps and swam. The water felt like it had been heated. After a few minutes we both settled onto our noodles and just floated. Crickets chirping, croaking frogs in the far off distance, swish of the occasional car going by, gentle lapping of the water against the side of the pool and the constant jangle of Shelby's collar.

A not totally solitary life.