Peyton Place

Or something like it.

Lee and I were talking last night about how things were so simple back in the beginning. When her and I first met she was my ex's best friend's girlfriend. The 4 of us became inseparable. John and I stood up for her and Rod in their wedding. I was there for the birth of both of her children. 17+ years we have been friends.

Our lives have become quite complicated over the last couple of years. You know most of my issues from reading here. I haven't written about them lately but they are still ongoing. Complicated relationships and friendships. Not being able to let go of things I need to let go of. On many levels.

Now Lee is going through a messy break-up. Not messy in that they are arguing and fighting. Messy in the broken heart sense. There is a family issue surrounding the breakup and it's just a huge mess. She was hoping that in spite of being betrayed, they could put back together some semblance of their former relationship. She found out yesterday that isn't going to happen. He has continued to see the other woman behind her back. Why he continued to try to make things work with Lee if he was going to continue with the other is beyond me. At first I thought that he wanted out but just didn't know how to go about it. Now it's obvious he wants his cake and eat it too.

It was hard listening to Lee and feeling her hurt and anger because I know that feeling of wanting my cake and eating it too. I know that feeling of being absolutely sure of one thing and not so sure of the other. I know the feeling of playing both ends against the middle. I've done it and been the victim of it. It's a lousy place to be. I know the feeling of wanting something so bad that your judgement is clouded. I know that feeling of accepting any thing no matter how ridiculous it is just because it's better than nothing.

But is it? Is bad better than nothing at all?? And why do we put ourselves through it? Is it bad self esteem to become a doormat? Is it a sign of weakness or desperation? What is it about one person that so captivates you that you put up with crap? That you really honestly believe that anything is better than nothing?

I was lamenting last night about how simple things used to be. Even though I would never go back to my ex and neither would she we both had to admit it was alot easier then. I asked what we used to talk about? We would talk on the phone for hours and I couldn't for the life of me remember what we talked about. She said "we complained about not enough money and too much sex".We both cracked up. Now there is still not enough money and now not enough sex either. How screwed up is that??

We are changing the locks on her doors tonight. I just changed mine awhile back so I am an expert at doorknob exchange. She'll have a couple of Parrot Bays for us to cry into. I told her last night that I really am so sorry she is going through this. She said she is sorry I am going through things that I am going through. We're just a couple of sorry saps.

QofQ is going through a bizarre thing too. Her brother's step daughter and her son have had a thing for each other for awhile. He is almost 14 and she just turned 16. They went to Carnival Ball together and are quite cute together. Well it seems that his father (QofQ's ex) thinks she is cute too. And it seems that she has eyes for the him too. It's really a bizarre mess. No one thinks that any lines have been crossed but it has come out in the open that they have been sneaking around to see each other and he has been buying her calling cards for her phone so she can call him. The father is 48. How sick is that? He has even made comments about when the girl turns 18 her parents will no longer be able to control her life. I'm feeling a bit cynical and betting that something HAS happened. Maybe not actual sex but there has definitely been a relationship forged and it will lead to sex and it seems like that would be sooner rather than later.

Anyway it blew up on Sat. Lies were told and people were caught and the sheriff's dept was called. Relationships are strained and a son has lost respect for his father. I called QofQ this morning to see how everyone was. She said her son is somewhat relieved. Even at the tender age of 13 he could see what was going on and everyone was acting like it was nothing and he was feeling like he was going nutz. Now he has been validated. He hates it but has that small sense of saneness in an insane situation.