Feeling a little screwed over

I shouldn't jump to conclusions. We had talked from the beginning that we would be open, honest and up front. All either of us asked for was a little forewarning if either of us wanted or needed to change the situation.

He told me about a simple conversation and an offer. An offer he doesn't want to take but she may want to.

I've got a couple of roomies who have been with me now for a few weeks. It has been an unlikely arrangememt that has worked out wonderfully. They needed a place and I needed help. All personal feelings and past relationships aside we are now living in the present.

When we first broached the subject of cohabitating he thought it would be great. I was not so sure. How could I possibly overcome emotions? How could I deal with having him so close yet so far away? How could I cope with having them around all the time? I made it clear from the beginning that he was not going to have his cake and eat it too. I would not be a mistress in my own home. He has let me know that is my decision but if I ever have "needs" to let him know. He has no idea of my needs and isn't going to.

They've been happy. I've been happy. Mostly. We've dined together, swam together, watched baseball together. We've shared household duties and he has given me some good insight into a few goings on around my house that I wasn't aware of. No he isn't a snitch, but I also made it clear to him that his loyalties are to lie with me. I've let my kids know that too. They know that he isn't watching their every move and he's not a spy but if he sees something he will tell me. And he has. And I have addressed things. We've done things apart. We've dined. We've swam. We've watched baseball on our own. There is a natural sense of things. No need to be in each other's space yet we enjoy it when we are.

Her and I have forged a new friendship. Would we be friends if he and her weren't together? Probably not, only because she's not as outgoing as I am. We don't have alot of things in common but we do have enough things that this arrangemnt is working.

He was concerned that they wouldn't be able to move for awhile. Was I ok with that? I said I was good with that. I asked when he thought they'd start looking, he said probably next Spring, if that was ok. I told him that actually I would like for them to stay for the winter. It would be a huge help to me as well. Perfect. Yeah Perfect.

On Wed he came home from work and told me about an apt the brother of a friend has. It is small and needs fixing up but if they are willing to do the work they could stay free for a month or so and then he'd let them have it for a cheap rent. The rent there would be the same as I charge them. Except mine is all inclusive. Lights, cable, internet, parking for three vehicles, laundry facilities, access to pool. With me they have a 20X20 room with a private bath and the storage space for all their stuff. It is mostly private but I do acknowledge that no matter how ideal the situation is they are still roommates with someone and it isn't "their own place". I know it's just not the same.

The apt is 4 rooms. 1 bedroom, kitchen, living room and bathroom. It would all just about fit into the space they have now. It's in the city, on the second floor. No outdoor space. No storage. Privacy within the walls but that is about it.

If it was a step up for them I would ahve to push my feelings aside and say go for it but it isn't. It's a rat hole that they have to fix up. Then it will be about $200 a month more than with me for the utilities. She would be closer to work so they would save gas. He has a company vehicle so gas isn't an issue. I don't know about her, but he will hate it. He likes to putter. He likes tending the lawn and pool and staying busy. He likes the quiet nights and peaceful breeze.

He said the only reason he even mentioned it to her is because it is a brother to their friend so it will get back to her anyways. He doesn't want it or at least that's what he's telling me. He listed all the reasons why he wants to stay where he is. She is the only reason he would move. She wants her own place. She wants to put her knick knacks and pictures up. I totally understand. I do. But in a rat hole?

I thanked him for telling me. He said he tells me everything. I explained that I'm not just doing them a favor by letting them stay with me. I need the help too. I told him that if they leave I need to rent out the room. I NEED the help. It really has become too much for me to handle on my own. In a round about way I made it clear that if they go, I am no longer a net for them to fall back into.

He said not to count on them going. I said "I can't count on you staying".

By then tears were in my eyes and frustration over years of letdown on every level. Every cotton picking level. Years of feelings unrealized, unnoticed, taken for granted, nurtured when feeling threatened then abandoned. I have to get over this.

I also have to stop assuming at this point since he merely kept a promise and filled me in on news as soon as he had it. There is nothing in stone. They aren't packing yet. There is no decision. I just hate the insecurity of it all. Oh well, I had 2 good weeks.