That's pretty much how my mind is these days. Like a bunch of dishes on a cart that somewhat go together but not really. And none of it fit for consumption.
I have been feeling my emotions and my moods swing alot lately. Sometimes the swinging is out of control and I have to hide. I have a better than decent size house yet I am living in a 12X14 room. I don't even have my TV hooked up to satallite and I'm still spending a boatload of time in there.
In truth I'm finding myself hanging out wherever no one else is. Sunday was great, the kids were at their dad's and my roomies were still downstairs so I took advantage of pool time by myself. I had taken Shelby out for a walk and was feeling quite invigorated. The 70 degree water was a bit cold on contact but the easy floating and relaxing was nice. Like a meditation of sorts. I let my mind wander then I turned it off completely. I just sat on my noodle and floated, letting the water carry my weight. I even dunked my head which I never do.
I have been doing alot of thinking lately. Thinking alot about what has been, what could have been, what things are. Trying to put and keep in perspective a few relationships. Trying to remember the reasons I'm where I am. Trying not to fall or run hard back into bad situations. Trying to remind myself that time is my friend. I'm in no hurry. Trying to remind myself that time is of the essence and wasting it is counter-productive.
I'm happy, content, sad, angry, wishful, wanton, antsy, jittery, bored, exhausted, horny, lazy and lonesome all at the same time. How is that possible? Sometimes they all seem like one big emotion, no beginning, no end. No differenciation. I'm starting to lose track of whether I'm content, bored or exhausted.
Finding a relationship is like finding a job, it's alot easier if you already have one. Guess that's why so many opt for that way instead of getting totally single first. Why is the world crawling at your feet when you're attached and so distant when you're not? Why do you want me when I'm not available but not want me when I am?
BTW...my date last week cancelled at the next to last minute. His ex couldn't pick up the kids until late. I guess it was the truth but my skepticism has kicked in. He has emailed me, wants to set up another time. He is very sincere and we have had great conversations but I'm cynical and my curiosity has peaked and waned. We haven't met because we aren't meant to meet. This is fine how it is. That's what I told him last night. He was disappointed but didn't push it. Said he'll be there if I change my mind. He'll be there until the next interesting person comes along, as it should be.
My pool is better than crystal clear. It is so clear that when the pump is off it's hard to see the water. I'm loving it.
Guess my mind isn't so a la cart after all, guess it's mostly just feeling sorry for itself. See how I figured that out on my own? And who says this isn't therapy?
4 comments:
Clear pool and a noodle - sounds like good therapy to me! :)
sometimes I believe in that destiny stuff and sometimes I think it's BS
I didn't read it as "sorry for yourself". Just getting it all out is how I see it.
For what it's worth, I think that a lot of us are feeling "a la carte" and don't know how to sort it all out.
xo
that is so true. people start looking for another relationship while they are still in one, so they don't have to be alone.
like codependency issues.
We are told to make ourselves happy and content, before we get out there to pursue.
Yet, as beings, it is only natural to want the affection of another partner. And feel emptiness and boredom if we don't have someone in mind.
Good luck with your search, if you are on the internet, I know it can be tedious.
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