Your words make my throat ache

"Your words make my throat ache"

I just looked at him. Wondering what he meant but knowing what he meant. His words, acknowledging me, made me ache. Made me want more. Made me long for what isn't. What will probably never be. With him or anyone else.

"oh baby, you know there is only one way I want to make you ache and it's not with my words"

I can turn it into a joke. I always have. It's no wonder people don't know when to take me serious. It's no wonder people always assume that I'm ok. To not be ok is failing. To not be ok is losing. Losing control, losing the battle, losing the war.

Loneliness, boredom, longing, wanting.....all fruitless emotions. Yet they are emotions that are necessary in order to recognize and appreciate when things are good.

What is it about emotions that just take over? Why is it that once you fall you struggle for years trying to get up, trying to get out. Am I the only one who is like that?

Why does reflection always seem to feel heavy? Why do happy memories make us cry? Where does that lump in your throat come from and where does it go?

It's the last day of my vacation. I have accomplished a few things but not as much as I wanted to. I spent time with special people and really isn't that what it's all about? It's been a quiet week with some reflection, some planning and mostly just relaxing.

I've written it before...I'm not sick but I'm not well.

My words make his throat ache. His everything used to make my heart ache but not so much any more. I guess I just needed a few quiet days to realize that.