Feeling blue today

I know things will get better.
I know I will feel better.
In time.

I guess at this point I don't want to feel better. I want to really absorb and remember everything. I want to drink in the knowledge and the lesson so it will be remembered later on. I want to go through all the steps of grieving and to really put this behind me this time. 4 years I have been putting myself through this. 4 years I have been hanging on. 4 years I believed what was said to me. 4 years I have been out of my mind.

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

I'm still kinda in this stage. I want him to call yet I don't. I want to see him yet I can't. I miss talking to him every day. I really want resolution and he's never going to give me that. I have even begged him for it. I have begged him to just tell me it's over. I have begged him to TELL me that he doesn't love me/never loved me whatever the case may be and he hasn't done that. He WON'T do that. I have told him that I NEED him to tell me so my mind will understand and he's always said he can't say those things. He can't tell me that he doesn't love me. It's no wonder my brain hasn't registered rejection to it's fullest. He had never before fully rejected me.


2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

We weren't a traditional couple. I was always a dirty little secret. And I let it go on. I always thought if I waited long enough it would happen. And it almost did. Well he said it would "for sure this time".
This time.
What a fool I have been. Why would I be any different than those before me? Why did I think I would be. Why did he seem like such a soulmate? Yeah I'm angry. I'm pissed. Laying under and getting run over by buses will do that to you. But I am mostly angry at me. I can't believe that I am such an intelligent person and yet so dumb and naive when it came to him. I can't believe that when it all came out and there was no more denying it, he denied it. And he was believed. As completely as anyone can be believed. I am the psycho who made things up and misconstrued things. They are all victims of my psychosis. This whole things has been a favor to me. It hasn't felt like one but with the rose-colored glasses off I am forced to see the real truth.


3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

I have been very passive-aggressive in the bargaining. I have been bargaining for 4 years. I can see the bargaining was fruitless. I wish I could change the loss but it's so glaringly obviously that there is no way I can't be past this stage.


4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb.

Yeah, I'm neck high in this one. I know this is the long hard step. I know this is the step I'm going to have to really work on to get through. I know I need to lean on my family and friends but truthfully I'm not good at that. I tend to bottle it up. Handle things on my own. Deal with my own crisis then tell it after the fact. This time is different. This time I'm no longer covering up the cancer that has been in life. Through events of my own (although unwittingly) doing, my secrets are all on the table. I can't hide any more. I can't sneak through this turmoil on my own. ANd perhaps it's better that way. Since it never really worked for me in the past anyways.


5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

I've begun wading into this pond. My mind and heart and soul are sadder than sad but they are realizing the ugly truth. They are coming to terms with what was never meant to be. They are getting some rest and taking some time and pouring it all out.

I have been my own worst enemy. I did try to move on and it worked for a little while. The demons were at rest. But when things started going bad. When the conflicts and frustrations and embarrassments were becoming more public and more pronounced the demon came back with a vengence. The cancer spread throughout until it killed everything. It killed the past, present and future(it had promised).

But it hasn't killed me.
Or rendered me helpless.
Or hopeless.