Can't seem to turn it off

My mind is so full and so empty at the same time. It just can't seem to stop thinking. Analyzing, Rationalizing, worrying, wondering and hoping.

These last 2+ months have been hell. Sometimes I look back on it and I wonder how I got through it. Going to work every day, smiling and acting like I don't have a care in the world. Coming home and fixing dinner and helping with homework and keeping caught up on housework. The long tired nights where sleep would arrive late. The weekends of boredom yet needing that time alone.

I'm realizing that I'm not through it. I'm in it. Still. Still wondering what to do with myself. Still worrying what will become of my life. Still dumbfounded by the whole turn of events. And here I am....doing the thing that opened the whole pandora's box. Writing.

I like to write. It is therapeutic. SOmetimes the words are the only thing left. I have been coming here for 4 1/2 years. I ventured off course for swhile to be more private with my thoughts and we all know how that worked out. Lately I have written in a journal but my hand gets tired long before my thoughts run out. But either way the words need an outlet. My thoughts cannot stay pent up in my brain forever only to later be re-absorbed.

I have done alot of soul searching. I have atoned for my mistakes. I have been paying the high price. I have taken full blame for everything. But am I truly to blame for everything? I now can see that I am not. No one person is solely to blame for the breakdown or a relationship. SOmeone has to talk and someone has to listen. Then someone else has to talk and someone else has to listen. I've been told I don't communicate well. I guess I don't because I know I was saying it but it wasn't getting heard. I must admit I tend to sugar coat things to avoid hurt feelings and perhaps that is where my message was lost in the translation. That's not my fault. Or his. Or yours. Or anyone else's. It's just how it is.

Love is like a language all it own. If you don't speak the same language then at some point there is going to be misunderstandings and strife. We didn't speak the same language. It would seem I have a language all my own. I speak it to my BFF and she assures me that what I'm wanting and needing are really pretty basic and not too much to ask for. I've spoken it here and have had the same feedback. So why isn't it working? WHy haven't I been able to find someone more compatible to me? I've met guys who I'm sure are more compatible but I just have no interest in them. Why am I drawn to polar opposite of what I think I want and need?

So many questions. So few answers. At 42 I am left wondering how it all will come together. I know the past is the past and I'm not going to regurgitate any of that. There is no joy to be had there. I'm just trying to learn from it, draw from it. And hopefully stop repeating it.