Strength in Numbers

Sometimes goodbye just takes awhile.
Sometimes you need multiple goodbyes before you truly accept it.
Accepting is the final stage of grief.

I've been in grief for a long time. I thought it started last October but now that the story has finally played itself out I know that I started grieving 5 years ago. I wrote endlessly about it and my mind was always filled with it. With him. Hope and dreams and disappointment and despair. All of it living in my mind like a cage fight. The hope and dreams started out real strong. Got in a couple of licks. But the disappointment and despair have had quite a few better rounds. It has beaten down hope and dreams, time and time again. But hope and dreams was very persistant. And thrived on very little nourishment.

It has been a rough few weeks. Been running headlong into brick wall. Oh the brick wall was not without it's enticements. Like a mirage, it looked strangely like warm hug, like a safe place. But alas the cold hard truth. Actually the cold hard truth has always been there I just wasn't in the right paradigm to see it. When you completely and unconditionally love something or someone there are no cold hard truths. There are just missteps and misquotes and long busy days.

I told him a few months ago "I'll never stop loving you but hopefully some day soon I'll stop wanting you" His reply was "please don't stop". And just like that Hope and dreams perked up. But time and experience have finally shown the true colors. Some people are just perfectly not meant to be together.

I asked the hard questions on Thursday and suddenly those missteps and misquotes and long busy days only looked like someone making excuses and trying to play both ends against the middle. Suddenly I saw what had been there the whole time. An insecure man who has a need to be validated in his manhood by many women.(or at least 2)
I heard in his voice a tone that has always been there but I never accepted it for what it was. Suddenly like a taking a clariton for itchy watery eyes, I could see clearly. On Friday I offered him the out. From her or from me, but it had to be one way or the other. He wouldn't take it. He's still standing in the intersection, wanting to go in both directions. I've turned my back on the intersection and have walked away. Said my goodbyes and good lucks, never to look back. This time I haven't even cried. Baby's gotten good at goodbye.

No longer in denial. No longer trying to figure things out. No longer longing. No longer yearning. It was a great weekend of rest and time spent with friends. Being with people and couples and families is no longer painful. I have laughed like I hadn't in years. I am truly looking forward spending next weekend with my Mom and going to a Red Sox game. No more wishing he were there too. No more thinking how much he would have liked doing whatever it is I am doing. No more.

Strength in Numbers???? THe number of times it has been presented to me and I have turned away from the truth has brought me to this place of peace. This place of truly being ok. For the first time in a very long time I wasn't lonely in a crowd. I wasn't lonely at all. Now I truly have hope for something great. Now that my heart has been set free I can be truly open to endless possibilities.

I told Mom the secret I had been carrying and I confessed to Lee. They both had a look of horror that quickly turned to a smile and congratulatory hug. Lee said "I'll remind you of this when he calls again because he will call, he always does". I don't think so this time. This time was a peace. Debts are forgiven. Pain is gone. This time the goodbye was without hate. This time was final. After I hung up that last time I found his name and number in my contacts list and I hit "delete contact". That's the final step that I never took before.