Struggling

It's not as easy as it looks. Or as easy as some people make it look.

This is my only experience as a "stepmom" and it is Gary's only experience with a girlfriend. We are struggling. Me with my expectations and him with trying to meet my expectations but also not slight his daughter. We had words the other night that have resulted in a few quiet evenings. Neither of us wanting to rock the boat. I hate it.

It started with a dispute between he and his daughter. I remained silent throughout even though I did have a few thoughts screaming through my head. The usual manner happened in that he wasn't given in to his daughter's demands and she didn't like it so she left to go to her mom's. It has happened many times in the reverse as well. I totally agree with Gary's stance but the thing that caused discourse between he and I was my revealing my thoughts after she left.

She was rude, caustic, mouthy, disrespectful and wouldn't shut up long enough for him to get a word in. Typical 16 yo. I felt very protective of him and very scornful towards her. In my opinion she needs her mouth washed out with soap and pretty much said so.

How many times have any of us said that?
How many times have we followed through?

Well, he took it as me having it in for her."You are just looking for a reason to complain about her. You have a holier than thou attitude when you also have issues with your own daughters". He turned it around to be about me having ill feelings toward her. Needless to say I was upset.

1) my thoughts were based on being unable to tolerate such brattiness and lack of respect.
2) that intolerance is even more acute when it is against someone I love a great deal.
3) My actions since day one have shown that I have a great deal of affection for her. I have always included her in conversations and activities. I bring her to school each morning so she doesn't have to walk. I pick up after her (however begrudgingly) so her dad isn't constantly on her butt. I plan meals around foods that she likes. I pick up and drop off her boyfriend. I have helped with homework and on many occasions just sat and visited with her, listening to issues she is having with friends, boyfriends, teachers, homework etc. I have been a good female role model and have been quite even tempered even when in disagreement with her.

He likes when I am being warm and fuzzy with her but hates when I try to hold her to a higher level of accountability. I am not able to just let her go off on a tangent of unreasonableness without calling her out on it. Am I rude to her when calling her out? No. I always offer a different point of view. I talk to her the same way I talk to my girls. I am kind but firm and usually add in some humor to lighten the mood without diminishing the point. I NEVER go against Gary's wishes or ideas in front of her. I ALWAYS respect his point of view and his place as her father. I have been very mindful of that. I have made sure not to undermine him in any way. So for him to turn on me really hurts. I know most of it is his feeling overwhelmed with trying to raise a teenage daughter with little to no help from her mom.

I guess I expected too much. I wanted to be a big happy family with he and I working together to finish raising her. I knew there would be strife but I expected it between her and I not him and I. I wanted to make life sweeter and easier for him but I'm learning the hard way that when it comes to his kids I need to just shut up. If I could only be the warm fuzzy person with no expectations life would be grand but that's not me. As much as I try to be that I start to go crazy in my head when I hear some of her demands. I can shut up for so long then it just comes out.

I have been thinking on this for a few days now and think I have finally found the place I need to be with this. It doesn't matter that I live there, the fact is we both knew it would be about 2 years until we can live like we want to. I have obligations and so doesn't he. Before I moved in we handled things separately and cohabitating shouldn't change that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going off in a corner to pout, I'm just acknowledging that battles with his daughter are his battles. Not mine. I need to just make myself scarce when it happens (which isn't that often) and keep my opinions to myself. I can see that by being on his side against her it only makes him on a side against me. We only have another year and a half and she will graduate. I have about that much time til I sell my house. We both have known that between kids and money issues it will be a couple of years of getting on our feet.

I'm just glad we can be together while we wait