Dinner tonight

I sent a text "are we still on for Wed night?"

I didn't hear anything for awhile.

The thing he doesn't get is that when left to my own devices I can really spin a sad story. My brain can weave the most tragic tale of woe one can imagine. I start making assumptions based on nothing but silence. I start thinking very negatively and can become quite sorry for myself. I don't know how to just chill out and go with the flow. I don't know how to not let things bother me. I don't know how to not care and not brood and not cry. I do know how to crawl in a hole and not say a word. I also can fill my voice with cheer and put on a happy face when necessary.

He called. "why would you ask me that?"

With my voice filled with cheer and nonchalance I said I was simply verifying. It is after all the night before a holiday. I just wanted to make sure the plan hadn't changed.

He was his normal self. He sounded so much like the old Gary. He chastised me for thinking that he would stand me up or blow off our plans. He planned to see me. He wanted to see me. He was going to see me. End of story.

We talked for about a half hour. He was relating family things. Explaining, complaining, conversing, lamenting, wishing. Very much the same as before. He was sharing...everything. Talking freely, without reservation.

I on the other hand am a bit reserved. I offer a few sighs of empathy but my voice is mostly silent. I did agree on a few things and offered a few words here and there. But...the one thing I have learned is that I will not complain about any of that to him. He already knows and doesn't need me making him feel worse. Sharing is one thing. Bashing his ex is quite another. The parenting is what it is. He knows how I feel, I don't have to keep reiterating. I don't have to shove my rightness down his throat. He does agree with me he just can't do much about it.

******************

We did go to dinner tonight. He hugged me so tight I could barely breathe. I have missed him so much. His touch. His smile. His kiss. His funny way.

It didn't take long until he asked if I had been "fishing". I admitted putting my profile up. Then told him I took it down 2 days later. I admitted I'm not ready, that I still want the full meal deal with him. I couldn't look at him as I said it. I could feel my throat tightening and almost bursting with emotion and tears. I don't get it. I don't get any of it but now is not the time.

"what about you?"

"what about me?"

"Are you 'fishing'?"

He looked me right in the eye and said "No". Then he said if he were fishing he'd be right back to the same pond and try to snag the same fish he'd already caught.

We talked a little on the subject and I asked him if it's that I'm not the right girl or if it just wasn't the right time. He immediately said it's the timing. Told me how happy I made him and how much he misses me. There are just too many demons right now. The load is a little too heavy.

We laughed and talked and kissed and held hands and talked some more. We sat in the mall and people watched and talked and held hands and sometimes just sat there. Very much like old times. I gained a little peace.

I still don't really get it but he has to do things on his terms. No amount of crying and begging will change that so I guess I will just hold on to my dignity for now. I love him and I told him that. I told him I still want everything and I still want it with him but I'm not gonna beg. I also told him that I'm not moving on at this point but I can't guarantee anything in the future under these conditions. He just nodded and started to say something but I stopped him. I asked him not to tell me again that it's "not you , it's me". I told him that only makes me feel worse.

When I left tonight he held me tight and whispered that he wants to get his life on track so he can come back for me. I didn't say it but I was thinking that I don't care if life is on track, I would face those obstacles with him. But that's just me.