Holding on

I can't explain it but it's different. Yeah I know...that's what we all say when we are trying to convince ourselves as much as we are trying to convince others that our decision is jusified and valid. But seriously it is different. I'm not hanging on to a wish for feelings. I'm hanging onto a dream for a reality that I know can come true. The issues are bad but can mostly be worked out through time if nothing else. Someday his daughter will be 18 (less than a year) and even though it's not in either of us to abandon our children (even the adult ones), there will be a time when we can contribute what we want when we want. There will come a day when the court order will go away. There will come a day when we will be free to live where we want. There will come a day when we can come and go as we please. There will come a day.

These are the things I keep assuring myself of. When I look at the grand scheme and think "in 5 years will any of this matter?" I truly think that it will not. I know that there may be some financial hurdles to get over but those are doable. I am already living in the basement of my own house...I guess i can make it anywhere. *grins* All I know is that I love him and not for what he can and can't do for me but because of how he makes me feel when I am with him. He is funny and loving. He makes me laugh right out loud. He makes me all warm and fuzzy and silly inside.

I hope it doesn't take 5 years to reach that place where "none of this matters anymore". I hope that things will start to fall into place soon. Edge, I appreciate your comment and the constant friendship but I have to admit that I really don't know when to hold 'em or when to throw 'em. But I'm gonna hold this hand for awhile longer.