Do you ever want to just start fresh? Go where nobody knows your name?
I don't even want to see the people who support me. I don't want to talk to the people who know everything. I don't want to know anyone who has beared witness to this carnage. Even those who are trying to convince me that I'm NOT insane. That things DID happen. They are trying to convince me that there was more than just me seeing these things. Even with the encouraging words I just want to hide. Go into a small room and close the door.
I have asked myself over the last 2 weeks how much was in my head. How much was real? How close to the edge of insanity am I? Really? Cuz it feels like I'm teetering. I feel so unsure of myself. I feel so incapable of making decisions or judgements. So much that has happened in the last few years has either been misconstrued or blown out of proportion by me. And it's not like it's just one person saying these things. Alot of people are saying that I am reactive, over reactive and just plain dillusional.
I've asked myself how I got to this place? Were things as bad as they felt? Why didn't I just talk about my feelings with the right person instead of all the wrong people? Was I afraid that this would happen? Maybe. But mostly it just felt fruitless and hopeless. So why did we talked so good after? Why do lessons have to be rough?
I guess I've totally Gone Crazy.
2 comments:
I wish I had good advice to give you. All I can say is hang in there - it WILL get better.
I have no advice either, mainly because I don't know what you are referring to. I doubt you are crazy, since most who are don't think they are.
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