They say everyone has one. I didn't know I was at mine when I was in it but looking back I can say that I now know my breaking point. Truthfully, I am very introverted in my pain and very forgiving so I thought I may be the one person I know who does not have a breaking point. But I was wrong.
I know there are people who view me as untrustworthy and deceitful and maybe for them I am. But in the other 99% of my life I will carry secrets to my grave and I'm one of the most non-judgemental and forgiving people I know. I have had people confide things in me that has totally taken me off guard but not because I am standing in judgement of them, I'm just surprised they would tell me these things. But they tell me because I AM trustworthy and understanding and benevolent.
I don't even hold harsh judgement against the very people who do view me this way. I understand why they feel like they do and they are entitled to it. I guess part of the deceit for them is that I am normally very trustworthy and at this particular time I showed my breaking point. A point I didn't think even existed.
I've been beating myself up for awhile now. Taking and accepting all blame. I've tried to ease the pain for some. I've gone along with what was needed at the time. And I'm glad I did. But I did it out of guilt as much as truly caring. Don't get me wrong, I do still care very much for certain people and would still do whatever I can to help them out but it's time to accept that there are certain things that I just can't help with. They are things that are beyond my breaking point. They are things that are hurtful to me too.
I guess that is the big myth. The myth that I was only inflicting the hurt and that I had none of my own. Well I had plenty and long before my world exploded in my face. It was this hurt that eventually drove me to my breaking point. A breaking point that was slow in building. And one that I struggled to keep under control.
At this point the past is the past. I can't undo what I did and he can't undo what he did and He can't undo what He did. All we can do is go forward in different directions.
I have repented as much as I'm going to and now I just want to be left alone. I know I can't control what other people chose to do but I am asking that those of you who still pop in here just to make sure that I am "behaving", to please move on now. Especially if you aren't even directly involved. Third party "he said" "she said" is just plain immature and only keeping things going when it should be done and over with. There is nothing left here to see. This goes for my Facebook and MySPace as well. If you are here for any other reason than just to bring me trouble then you are welcome to stay, regardless of your connection.
I'll trust you to make that call.
3 comments:
I can totally understand what you are saying about your breaking point. Hell, I didn't think I had them either. But what I noticed is that when you cannot deal with certain issues anymore and speak up about it...some folks will take it in a good way and others will run for the hills and ignore you never to take a good look at themselves. Did that make sense? LOL! Hang in there Boo! There are plenty of people who come here to read your blog and not cause crap. The crap starters can move on, to hell with them!
I don't really know what's going on *confused look*, but I can tell you that I never thought about the fact that some people can think of someone as untrustworthy or deceitful and yet that someone can be the exact opposite to others. I don't know why I never thought about that, but to me that's an epiphany for this evening.
It makes sense, because I always thought that "the truth" was the truth and never changed. However, I learned a few years ago that the truth does indeed change, particularly when one is dealing with the truth of emotions and feelings.
Hang in there, Boo. Just hang in there.
Cin- thanks and yes it does make sense.
Jammie- this is all confusing because I have been very censored in my writing. All I can say at this point is that my boyfriend and I split up and I was hoping by now it would be water under the bridge but little things keep happening. Nothing that I can prove and nothing tnat I want to pursue. I just want them to leave me alone. Thanks for being there and I'm hanging....just like an ornament on the Xmas Tree. ;-)
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