All it takes is a subconscious dream and BAM!!! all those familiar feelings are right back. Just when I think I have it licked, my heart and soul betray me. Just when I think I have forgotten, my mind remembers.
5 years it has been now, since he walked into my kitchen and took my breath away. 4 years since the first promises and plans. Years. It's amazing that now our time is measured in years. Our time that never was our time. 4 years and I'm still battling the demon. Oh he hides and leaves me alone for awhile but every once in awhile he comes slithering back to me in my sleep.
Earl came to me in my sleep last night. Vivid and real. Telling me all the things he's always told me and just like always I was happy and hopeful. I don't recall the details of the dream I just know that I was indignant at first. I know that I turned away from him. But in this dream unlike real life, he didn't just stand and watch me walk away. He chased after me and caught me and held me and I could feel him. I could hear his words and taste my tears and his tears. I felt his lips near my cheek, whispering in my ear. "shhhh...no more tears, baby"
As I turned and my arms went up around his neck, I was falling. Arms flailing. Trying to grasp onto him. Onto any part of him. ANd he was laughing. Hysterically laughing. They were all laughing. I woke up suddenly. That hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. Then my stomach lurching and I had to go to the bathroom.
I know there is nothing left. I have gone quite awhile without thinking about him. The contact has all but stopped. I know there was truly never anything there, but when I think of all the things we did for each other and all the calls and all the times he "just knew" when I was in crisis I can't help but know there WAS something there. I just don't know what it was. More than friendship but less than forever. Maybe I did misread and misconstrue. But I don't think so.
I have spent the last 2 months hating him. I thought if I hate him then I'll stop loving him. But love and hate are very closely connected. There is a very fine line between the 2. And both are filled with passion. Both are filled with thoughts of him. Both have consumed me.
I need to find the true opposite of love and that is indifference. Indifference is when you feel nothing. When you are expending no energy at all on that person. That's where I need to get. But I fear I never will, since I have never loved anyone so deeply and based on so little.
How can there be so much of something and so much of nothing at the same time?
7 comments:
Aww Boo ... on some level, you know I can relate ... and I feel for you. Dreams are so odd ... we KNOW they're dreams, yet we wake up feeling real emotions ... deep emotions. Indifference, as you know, will take some time. Indifference, I believe, is that last stage of grief ... "acceptance". Hang in, girl.
Off the subject, how to I really customize my profile? I am seeing some really creative fonts, backgrounds, pictures, titles of blogs ... must be some external applications, cause I can't find it here.
Thanks.
I look at it this way. We are brought together with a person because we have something to learn from each other. Once those things are learned, we may stay together, or we drift apart because we have no more karmic purpose for each other. If you have no more purpose together, then staying together would only lead to boredom and eventual pain.
Not being with him frees you up to find a person you should be with, or to allow that person to find you. It may be hard to let go of the feelings, or to understand why he left and what led up to that, but once you can let go, you will be able to focus on other things and other people. I hope you can get to that point soon, Boo.
Marcy- Yes I can see that you do understand. It still stinks though doesn't it?
As far as the fonts and things go you may try going to Customize from the top tool bar and in there you'll see add and arrange page elements. On the task bar immediately above that you'll see fonts and colors. It is there that you can do some playing around.
Judy- You are so right and that is a great way of viewing it and may be a better way for me to come to terms and finish letting go. I've done pretty good so far if I could only control my subconscious I'd be golden.
They say that dreams are your subconscious mind's way of working through things... for that reason, I think this is a good step.
(hugs)
i had one of those dreams recently too. left me a bit looped for a day and then i was okay. i hope you will be too.
(((boo)))
Boo, I think Kenju said it best.Hope things settle down.
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