Neither here nor there

That's where I've been lately. No where. Tired, lonely, lost, waiting, longing. I've let it consume me until I'm just a wretch. It's not just the past. It's not just the lack of a future. It's everything. It's all of it.

It's spilled over into every part of my life.

Things are ok now but the weekend that I was in Philly was actually a mixed bag of emotion. My mom and I had a falling out Sat morning. We had driven 5 hours from CT to PA. She is experiencing alot of stress. She got angry with me because when we went to the hotel to get checked in I got on my laptop and got into Facebook. We were all changing our clothes and freshening up. She was in the bathroom washing her face while I was on the puter. It really wasn't a big deal but she pulled a passive aggressive attitude with me. She asked my aunt for a ride to my cousin's "since Tammy will probably be on the puter all afternoon" I was on for 10 min and we were all getting ready. It wasn't like anyone was waiting for me while I played. She ended up riding with me to my cousin's and I was upset so I was being quiet (hey I come by the passive aggressive behavior naturally). She asked me not to be mad and I lost it. I said that I was upset. I said that we were no later from me being on the puter than we were from her washing her face. We both yelled then she got quiet. I said "another thing I hate is when you are passive aggressive and don't just say what is on your mind" She cried and I felt horrible. We rode for a few min and I apologized. She said she didn't want to talk about it. We rode a few more min in silence and I apologized again. She still wouldn't say anything. At that point we arrived at my cousin's. She went in ahead of me. When I walked in she was talking to my cousin and her face was all red. I'm such a bad guy.

The house was packed, the grad party was in full swing and Mom was not speaking to me. She wouldn't acknowledge me at all. She avoided me like the plague. At one point I found her alone in the Man Cave and asked if she was going to stay mad me all day. SHe said she wasn't mad but that she wanted to go home. Oh boy. I had jumped through a gazillion hoops to get tickets to the Sox game and now she wanted to go home. Luckily it didn;t go that way but her silence and cold shoulder wore on me all day and all night. She wouldn't swim with Sarah and I back at the hotel. She got mad at me the next morning for paying for her breakfast. I couldn't do anything right and she was just holding a grudge. It really hurt my feelings. My mom has never treated me like that. I was on the verge of tears all Sat and Sat evening. Finally Sun morning before we headed to the game she gave me a hug.

We talked more at the game and I know it was other stresses but I told her that she can never do that to me again. It's ok to get mad. But don't ignore me and not speak to me. It's just too hurtful.

Now even though we have worked through it I feel guarded. I feel like I never want to do anything that will cause her to do that again. I feel like I can't just be free to be me. I feel like I just need to be quiet and not say anything. I HATE feeling like this.

Then I went to work on Tuesday and my work buddy hector was mad at me. I had been talking to another co-worker TMT on the phone while I was traveling to CT on Friday. When we got ready to say good bye he asked if I had any messages for hector. I said no but he could give hector a big kiss for me. And he did. TMT kissed hector right on top of his head. Needless to say Hector was not amused. (he has laughed about it since) He was more mad at me for instigating it than he was at TMT for actually doing it. When I got to work on Tues he wasn't speaking to me. He wouldn't even let me tell him about my weekend or the Sox game. OMG...I really can't take much more. I stayed to myself and went to lunch alone. When I came back Hector came right over to my desk and asked about lunch. I said "you told me you were mad and that you'd let me know when you were over it and you haven't told me that" He said that he was mad at me and I said that he wasn't the first person to get mad at me and ignore so he could just get in line. At that point he finally asked about my weekend and the whole story spilled out. He felt bad. I almost cried. Almost.

Some days it just feels like nothing is right.

Things are better now, all the way around. But I feel weak and numb and like I could sleep for a month. I'm the sure 8 days worth of rain isn't helping.