My BFF has been my BFF for 20 years. It was an instant connection and has remained true ever since. We have had small blocks of time when we didn't hang so tight but for the most part we are soul sistahs. Her friendship means more to me than just about anything I can think of. She has always been there when I needed her. Always.
Her question to me last night threw me for a loop and it's one I've been thinking on all night. Trying to figure out how to place a sure bet. Trying to figure out if the gain is worth the risk.
"Would you ever consider going out with my brother?"
The truth of the matter is I have thought on a few occasions that it's too bad he is her brother. He's a super nice guy. Funny, sweet, cute, single. Yup...fully single. Nothing complicated there. I've known him for 20+ years. I can't think of a single reason to not consider it except we all know what happened the last time I dated someone's brother.
I know this is not even close to being the same thing. The whole scenerio is completely different. The Man is completely different.
I told her yes in a heartbeat, except....
I don't want to do anything to risk our friendship. What if it didn't work out? We talked for an hour about my concerns. Then we talked about hopes and dreams and wants and needs and doing things out of character and holding on to nothing and letting go and starting over and how hard it all is.
I believe in love. At first sight or 50,000th sight. I believe in happily ever after. I just don't know if I believe it for me. I don't think it's in the cards for me. I'm such a train wreck on the inside. Equal parts of desperation and determination. I've done things I'm not proud of. Made decisions and gone against my conscience and better judgement. I've hurt people and been hurt by people and through it all, my BFF has been there. She has known the whole ugly truth. She has made excuses for me and pointed out things that have happened and how anyone would have done what I've done and maybe done even worse.
I have broken with the past. I have sent final emails, had final conversations, deleted names and numbers. Now I sit here empty. Void. Living in a vacuum. If it worked out it would be really great. But if it didn't I would be in that vacuum alone without my BFF. Maybe I need to stop over thinking everything and just let fate take me where it will.
I guess none of this matters since she approached me first and has no idea what his feelings on the matter are.
1 comment:
overthinking? perhaps.
cautious? you bet. to be expected, i would say.
but sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind and just go with your instinct.
i believe that you are not a person who intentionally hurts anyone. hurt happens whether we intend it to or not.
and sometimes it doesn't happen at all.
go slow.
run with the wind and the feeling.
and see where they both take you.
my $0.02...
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