I'm not all gloom and doom

I don't know why but this place has become a dumping ground for my anguishes, insecurities and things that just plain make me nutz. It looks like nutz is all I am. And maybe on the inside that is true. And this is the inside. Inside of my head.

But there are good things going on in my head as well. Last night at 8:30 my daughter and I took a twilight swim. To say that was heavenly would be a HUGE understatement. The water was warm. The night was peaceful. I felt satisfied and content.

I've been hiking and walking again. Quite regularly and quite vigorously. It's made little difference in my weight and size but has done wonders for my well being. And it is nice to once again walk to the cafeteria and back and not be winded.

My roommate is moving. It's been a mostly good situation but he has at times been slow to pay. We had a bit of a tiff last week when I asked for my money but we are all set now. He still owes me some but it is minimal and if he were to leave in the night without paying me I wouldn't lose sleep. I've learned alot of lessons on renting. 1st and foremost it's a business arrangement. Pay or move. It's as complicated and simple as that. He'll be gone in a week. I don't regret renting to him but I doubt we'll stay in touch. He's on my fac.ebook page but I'll probably delete him after a few weeks.

I fear I may be going down a bad road again. After my BFF talked to me about her bro about a month ago we have done many things together. I like him. But I don't think he even knows I exist. It's a tricky situation because I have been a friend of the family for 20+ years. We chat and have fun together but I don't think he thinks of me "in that way". There have been a few times over the years that I have thought that it's too bad he is BFF's bro because I did like him but wouldn't want to jeopardize my friendship with her. Since she has suggested it and pretty much given her total approval it has been like a license to think of nothing else. Too bad someone wouldn't do the same for him. ALthough maybe he truly has no interest. He's totally single, hasn't dated anyone since his marriage fell apart 2 years ago. My wish has been to find someone who is available, interested and not looney. 2 out of 3 ain't bad but it's not cutting the mustard. I just don't think I can take unrequited love again. Not at this point anyway. I've been down this road too many times. It's too painful and I think I'm better off avoiding getting hurt and not loving at all.

I was purusing the internet dating sites but gave that up within a week. It's a joke. So I guess that leaves me in a vacuum. Neither here nor there. My good friend J has said several times that it's too bad we can't be neutered like animals to stop these god awful feelings of wanting and longing. I think I am in total agreement. It has been months, close to a year since I have been in the arms of a man and the last of that relationship was very bad. The 2-3 months before we split had taken it's toll on us and intimacy was nearly non existant and I wasn't longing for anything with him either. I had actually started to believe that if I never had it again it would be just fine. Now?? Not so much. BUt I want the whole boat. Not just a "buddy". So I wait. And think. And long. And try not to fall into love alone. Being alone in love is one of the saddest situations we can find ourselves in.

The sun is finally out. I'm going to fit in a walk this afternoon and soak up the rays. Even they do make me sweat my ass off.