Can't seem to stop

He says we have to patient. We have forever so we don't need to get ahead of ourselves and get into a tizzy about things beyond our control.

One of the things that I haven't talked about here is the fact that he is not yet divorced. Well, the week that I met him he was but a few days later he received notice that the paperwork had been mixed up and it wasn't final. What should have been a quick trip to court to sign papers and sew up loose ends has turned into a nightmare.

Without going into details, it was she who originally wanted out and it was she who turned down an offer last summer to "see if things could be salvaged". She didn't want to be married. She didn't want to be married to him. 23 years. It happens.

After being separated close to a year he decided he may as well dip a toe into the pond and see what other fish there may be out there. Papers had been filed, the divorce date was imminent. He had taken the time to work through some emotional baggage. He had taken a chance on working it out to no avail. He had resigned himself to the fact he was getting divorced. Sux but hey now he's no longer in a minority.

He went on a couple of dates. Well mostly near misses. Not nearly as many as I did but he did get to see a little of the perils of internet dating. Then in Dec, with the divorce behind him and just trying to move on with his life, we met. And it was then that 2 crazy things happened. 1) I think we fell in love almost instantly. And it is good and real and healthy and mutual. 2) the notice arrived that he's not divorced.

He has been to court 4 times since Dec to work out the details of a divorce that was all settled in Oct. It seems that even though she has a boyfriend who lives with her, she still isn't ready to get divorced. She has refused to sign papers, hired a lawyer, requested spousal support and now refuses to sign off on the house. He makes a decent living but due to a few bad decisions and a couple of very bad economic years there is very little to fight over. Because of the real estate market his house is in negative equity (or close to it). They had already split savings accounts and bills. For 2 people with next to nothing this sure has been the craziest divorce I have ever seen.

She doesn't want him back and she sure doesn't want him to be happy.

In the beginning we were free with our emotions. Excited to be together. Talking and planning. But that has all but come to a standstill. She knows we are together. She knows I come down and he comes up. But she has no idea how serious we are. If she did it would be even worse. We have to really keep our feelings in check around his daughter so she doesn't go back and say anything to her mom. Don't get me wrong, I like his daughter and she likes me. We do quite a few things with the kids (his and mine) but she has no idea that we are planning to cohabitate. I know she would be fine with that but she would also say something to her mom about it. My girls know but they have to be in on the secret and not talk about it. All because someone is so immature that she would go to the end of the earth to make him miserable.

It really is too bad. He started out feeling sad about the marriage breaking up and wanted to do all he could to help her out but now it is developing into a hatred. He has said time and time again that once this divorce is done he NEVER wants to see her again. It's caused him to feel things that he never thought he would. It has created a hatred in him for her that didn't need to be there.

Then through all of that is me. Sitting over here on the side. Loving and wanting him, him wanting the same and we can't be free with our dreams. It makes me mental. Talking about the day we can start planning instead of just planning. Holding back the affections around his daughter. Sometimes I just get so frustrated. But it's not just him that has issues. I have a house that will need to be sold (eventually) and a daughter who is graduating but I can't just boot her out onto the street and I have a grandbaby on the way. I have to keep things in check around home too because Sarah gets stressed out that she is going to be homeless. What a silly kid, I would never let happen. But she doesn't want to move away with me. SHe wants things to stay like they are. She would be fine with him moving in with us but she's not ok with me moving away.

It's so complicated and not complicated at the same time.

But for today, I can't stop thinking about going home to him tonight and wishing that was how it was every day.