a few more steps done

I went to Gary's last night and spent the night.

It's not anything like you're thinking or what I would have wished for.

Last Sat when this whole nightmare came out we had planned on me staying until this upcoming weekend. He made it clear that he wasn't into me anymore yet he didn't want me to leave either. I thought I could handle staying but I couldn't, so we worked out a plan for me to go Sunday and come back Wed night and leave again on Thursday with another load of stuff.

When I arrived he met me right at the door and gave me the biggest hug. It felt so good yet I knew it wasn't the same as before. We sat and talked and talked and talked. He has MAJOR crap going on that I can't go into here, but he did get a couple of things with work worked out in his favor and that is no longer a threat. While we were sitting there someone knocked on the door. He got up an answered and it was the ex. It was the first time we have ever met face to face. He didn't introduce us and I ended up offering to go downstairs while they discussed issues about their daughter. Uncomfortable can't even begin to describe it.  They talked about 15 min then he came down to see me. He apologized and asked if I was ok. As ok as I'm going to be under the circumstances.

We threw around the idea of going to dinner but it didn't happen. I was exhausted and after sleeping 3 nights on a balance beam I was ready for a good sleep in my own bed. He asked if I wanted him to sleep on the couch. I said it didn't matter to me, that bed is so big it's like we are in different zip codes anyways. I went to bed around 9PM, he stayed upstairs and watched hockey. When he came to bed I was sleeping but came into consciousness as he got under the covers. He immediately came to my side and pulled me into his arms. It felt good and right but temporary. He rubbed my back and I fell back asleep. Throughout the night I had a sense of him there. He reached across with his hand or foot and touched me often in the night. At least he wasn't avoiding any contact at all. There was no "one last time for old times sake". There was no talk about this split being temporary. There was just sadness.

I have a stove and fridge down there that I don't need right now so I had offered to leave them for now, but today I asked him to pay me for them and just keep them. A small but fair amount. He said "wow, you really want nothing left down here". I said "no, I want a clean slate so if you do call me I will know it's because you want to and not out of obligation because I still have stuff there". Not to mention the fact that I already have put out alot of money to Earl and Dana and my ex husband that I will never see again. I don't want Gary lumped into that group in any capacity. (except that now he is an ex)

I got my car all packed up this morning and got everything else ready for the big move on Sat morning. We went to the cell phone place and took him off my plan and back onto his own. We had one more lunch together and by 11:45 I was on the road headed home.

I changed my FB status to single (although it is hidden) and I changed my current city back. Just a few more steps in the letting go process.

I miss him. I want what we had. He was so funny and sensitive and caring and protective and respectful. I felt very taken care of by him and that made me want to take care of him. I guess it just wasn't enough. ;-(