Thinking healthy (or at least trying to)

My heart is broken. That is for sure. And I really wish things had worked out differently and I still have some hope that there could be a future. I miss him. ALOT.

But.....

...all that being said and all that being absolutely true, this time is different. This time I have a better understanding of my feelings and the reasonableness of them. I'm in a better place for the "letting go of the things you can't change". I was given a great chance at an awesome relationship with a wonderful man and I made the best of it. I didn't squander it. I didn't risk it. I did nothing to jeopardize it. I worked hard to make him feel as special as I felt he is. I showed him love, daily. I TOLD him I loved him and appreciated him as well as showed him. I protected him and held his feelings, family and property in high regard. I took care of him and did my best to let him take care of me. I love him so much and miss him so and want it all back, but what more could I do? NOTHING. And I truly know that. If it's not meant to be it's just not meant to be. It still hurts like hell but I know I will not be wallowing and wondering and hoping on nothing for the next 5 years. I'm not giving up just yet and I won't be trolling for dates for awhile but I feel like I have as healthy an outlook on it as I could possibly have. I'll be taking time to take care of my house and my granddaughter and myself. I will be taking time to properly store this last year in my mind and heart.

I have learned a few new things about myself. After living with Gary I know that I want to be in a residential area. I like getting out and taking walks and driving 10 min to shop rather than a half hour. I am ready for a smaller place. Smaller lawn to mow, smaller driveway to shovel and a little bit smaller house to manage. Hopefully all that will equal smaller payments. I know I want someone who is past the childrearing stage and I want someone who is COMPLETELY done with their divorce/custody battles. I want someone who is ready to live an active lifestyle. Someone who enjoys going out to eat once in awhile and would like to take in a show or a game. I so enjoyed doing those things with Gary. I NEED someone who can make me laugh til I almost pee my pants. He did that for me on a daily basis. I NEED someone who is passionate about me. It really sucks when you find those things and it goes up in smoke.

The whole divorce/custody thing really destroyed it all. I hope someday he gets all that resolved and can find happiness because he is such a sweet guy and really deserves it. I hope that happens soon and I hope that his happiness includes me. But if it doesn't? Then I move on.

In the meantime I'm on rebuilding mode. More paint was laid this weekend. Stinky animals were moved/cleaned up after. Kids were read the riot act on cleanliness and upkeep. Basement was cleaned out. I'm not quite settled in yet but I'm getting there. Actually it was nice being so busy that I didn't have time to think about things. I'm kinda dreading when that slows down.

I am also getting out into the social scene. A very close friend from high school and I are getting together for dinner and movie later this week. We have been in touch through facebook but we agreed a little girl time will be fun. In 2 weeks I am getting together with 2 cousins for a weekend of shopping. Yup, I'm actually spending the night. They have been so uplifting to me through this ordeal and I just can't get enough so I'm gonna go spend the night.

I miss him and I love him....still.