Survival mode

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and once again being the best friends I could ask for. You have always been supportive of me in good and bad times and I really do cherish that.

I'm a cellar dweller for awhile. My daughter and her boyfriend are all set up in my old room and truthfully I just want to be away so I took up residency in the spare room downstairs. Sarah, Deb the Dog, 8 puppies and at least one mouse are my roommates. Just when you think things are bad you realize that it can get worse. Silly me for not realizing that.

My first night was filled with glee from the kids. They were so glad to have me home that they truly don't see the depth of my despair. That's ok. It's best suffered alone and in silence.

It was also filled with a series of mishaps. The dog and her puppies are quite smelly. Heather had cleaned up a couple of "messes" and washed the concrete floor with pine-sol. When I opened the cellar door and went down to my new home I was smacked in the face with pine-sol scented dog poop odor. I could feel the tears welling up. I went through the larger room to my room and was glad that it was mostly in order. Took me about 30 seconds to clear off the bed and lay down and cry.

How did things get to this horrible place? I am being punished for every wrong thing I have ever done or will ever do.

After about 2 hours of sobbing/passing out it occurred to me that it was time to do what I do best, start working on fixing it. I can't fix my relationship but I sure can fix my home. I swallowed 3 ibuprofens and set off for Lowe's. I bought 2 cans of floor paint and felt better almost instantly. I also went wal-mart and got shampoo, conditioner, noxema and a shower curtain. (the one in the main bathroom wasn't horrible but I need a fresh start). The kids helped me move everything to one side of my room and I vacuumed and dusted down stray webs. Sarah hung with me while I put down the first coat of paint. Heather was fixing dinner. Life wasn't so horrible after all.

The paint job really made a huge difference. In the smell and my morale.After I picked at some dinner I headed up to see my BFF. She is always good for brainstorming and analyzing. Oh and always has a great pot of coffee waiting for me. When I got home (my new old home) the floor was dry enough to move the bed back in place. Did I tell you that for now I'm sleeping on a bed that isn't quite as long or wide as a twin bed? I have honed my balancing skills quite nicely over the last 2 nights. It is super comfy though. It's one of those old fashioned stuffed mattresses with the blue ticking striped cover.

About 9:30 I took a sleeping pill and got into bed. The sounds of the familiar yet not so familiar house whirling around me. The light from under my curtain (a curtain is my door for now) gently lighting the room. I was warm. I was safe. But I was far from ok. The sleeping pill was very merciful and went to work almost immediately.

3:31 AM. I was shivering and noticed it was pitch black. The sound of rain/sleet tinkling against the windows. Damn, the power was out. The puppies were making their little grunting noises. I had to pee soooo bad. After about 15 min I decided to get up to go to the bathroom and get an extra blanket. As my feet hit the floor they were met with a most undesirable greeting....water. About a 1/2 inch. The sump pump was not working with no power. OMFG...deep breath. How much more..... might as well not even go there. I padded to the stairs, hitting water on occasion but it wasn't totally flooded. Went up to the bathroom and then back to bed. Too overwhelmed and tired to care. It was at this time I heard the scurrying in the ceiling. Yup, at least one mouse but more than likely a few.

4:45AM Heather and Mark are coming through the back door. They had gotten up, realized we were flooded and went to his dad's and got a generator. He had the sump pump up and running in no time. Heather got out the shop vac and they were taking care of everything.

I ended up getting up and heading to work. I grabbed a shower at work, but had forgotten to bring my dryer and make up bag. I looked like crap from crying for the last 2 days but I was alive.

We were 2 days with no power but it is back up and running now. I spent the last evening hanging with my kids in a quiet living room with no TV or internet. It was some well needed time and was down right fun.

 Gary called. We talked about a half hour. He explained a few more things and gave me a much better picture about what is going on. I have no idea where we go from here. He is a wounded man with alot on his plate. But...it's not a deal breaker. He doesn't want to put me through some things that he is going through. And he is very overwhelmed. His kids are part of it. He agrees with my points but feels helpless to make a difference. All I know is I love him and I think that this can be worked on. But for now I'm just going one day at a time. Attacking each tragedy as it arrises.

I miss him. The truth is I knew for a couple of weeks that things weren't right. So I have been missing him for awhile. I keep playing in my mind the times he held my hand or put his arm out to me for a hug. I can smell his neck and miss his kiss. I hope we can find our way back to that and a way to have THAT and deal with the real life issues that aren't going away.