It's been 2 weeks

...and nothing is getting better with Gary. We have texted a few times and he has called but it has been so formal. None of the orignal chemistry. NONE. When he called yesterday he was full of news on ways he is simplifying his life and ironing out his wrinkles. I'm glad and it needs to be done, but there was no hint of him wanting anything with me. He didn't say "I know I have issues but I'm getting them taken care of, please be patient with me". There was no "I love you and please wait for me". There was no "I wouldn't blame you if you moved on but I sure hope you don't". NOTHING in that way at all.

He has thrown me away. He has thrown us away. Or at the very least he never gave me the opportunity to fix any issues he had with me. He never told me that anything I did or was doing bothered him. He never said he was unhappy with me. I knew he had things going on with his ex and his daughter but he never indicated that he had issues with me. To this day I have no idea why he lost his feelings for me. I have no idea why I was the easiest part of his life to dump.

I can speculate and I have speculated. I have gone over every inch of our relationship. There were many red flags, but I didn't see them as red flags. I still wouldn't except that collectively they start to paint a picture. We had major differences in our view of child rearing. We had major differences on our need for family time.

I'm certain the whole child rearing is the main problem. I've discussed here a couple of times. It wasn't easy and it was mostly him and his attitude towards it. His daughter loved me. She was texting me regularly and even texted me last week. I love her too. He views all that texting as spying on her. I see it as being interested in her life and wanted to be sure she is safe. (not to mention she initiated many of them) He thinks checking her facebook page is spying on her. I see it as a public forum that anyone can see. Her page is not private and even if it were, she added me as a friend and therefore gave me permission to view her page. I see it as a way to know what she is up to. There was lots of info there that he had no clue about. FB is not a diary. He thinks it was perfectly ok to assume she was at her mom's. I thought he should send a text or make a quick phone call to the ex to be sure. I thought at 16 her parents should know for sure which parent she was spending the night with. They didn't and she posted many times on FB that she was with her BF. He insisted that my way of parenting could never work there. Things were different there. I wasn't in the country anymore. Um......does he really think that my town has no drugs, teenage sex, teen pregnancy and screwed up parents? Does he really think we are that far removed? I had no idea I lived in Utopia.

Some things are just bigger than the both of us. I can see that my opinion held no value. I can see that I held him and his daughter to a higher level of accountability. I can see that my way isn't always right and doesn't always fit but it wasn't even considered by him. His daughter was way more on board. She liked me showing an interest. If she didn't she wouldn't have initiated and carried on the relationship we had. If she didn't like me she would have been happy/relieved when we split but she was not.

He is a great guy but in my opinion has very screwed up ideas about kids. He is a great guy but not someone who would have made me a full partner in his life. He is used to handling everything and doesn't seem to want to let go of any of that. I shared all my finances with him so we could build a budget together. He never shared his with me. I have a vague idea of what he makes but no true idea of what his bills are. That would be fine if he hadn't indicated that he wanted to share all of that.

I am trying to see with an objective eye exactly what was in the relationship and decide with a sane mind if I think realistically we could get back together. At this point I would say no. I love him. I want things like they used to be. I truly feel that without the kid/ex issues things could have been really good. But those issues were there. And who knows what other issues would have come out. His inability to discuss things with me and try to work through problems shows me that I was never secure in that relationship. His idea of working through problems was to hope that in a year and a half when his daughter graduates it would all just go away and we could live happily ever after. Problems rarely just solve themselves. Time does heal but there also has to be some effort.

He called yesterday morning but hasn't called or texted since. He feels no strong desire to talk to me, to hear my voice. He isn't feeling like he can't wait to see me again. I asked him about getting together for dinner sometime. That was last Thursday and he suggested next Wed night. Almost a full week away. It was like a punch in the stomach that he has no problem waiting that long to see me and even then it feels like an obligation.

I'm sad. So sad.  After I talked to him yesterday morning, I cried. I cried and cried because I know he's done. I hate it but it is what it is.

After a the cry-fest I made a decision. I'm moving on. I'm not waiting months and years to finally "get it". I want to be with someone who wants me and values me. I don't HAVE to have a man in my life but I am much happier in a good relationship. I need affection and intimacy and laughter and caring and stability. I am not wrecked, just a little bruised. I truly wish the very best Gary. He is an awesome guy. Funny and caring. Generous to a fault. I'm just not the right gal for him or it's just not the right time for him. All I know is I don't see how I could overcome him telling me he doesn't desire me anymore and doesn't know if he ever will again. I would always wonder and worry.

I signed back up with Plenty of Fish. Getting back up on that proverbial horse. I've already had some luck. The first person to email me actually had a personality and was very original.

Onward and upward