Limbo is not so bad

I haven't cried myself to sleep in11 days. That is saying alot considering I had been crying myself to sleep on a nightly basis since Nov 6.

We are dating. Enjoying each other's company. Laughing at silly things. Talking about serious things. Where will it go from here? Who knows? I'm more cautious and reserved. He hates that but has to give me time and effort to get through this. He has been putting in alot of effort but not in a "win me back" way, just in a "I truly care about you" way. We are in limbo. Wanting the past when we were together and wanting the future when we will be together. For now it's good.

I love him and he loves me so I guess we just need to figure things out.

Kinda funny

One of these days he will not text or one of these days I will not answer....but yesterday was not that day.

He texted: Happy New Years!
I texted: Thanks, same to you. Hope it's a good one
Him: are you still with that guy?
Me: yes. are you still with your wife?

He didn't reply. Maybe he has finally reached the point where he will not text anymore. I hope so because I can't seem to help myself from sending him the zingers.

Holding on

I can't explain it but it's different. Yeah I know...that's what we all say when we are trying to convince ourselves as much as we are trying to convince others that our decision is jusified and valid. But seriously it is different. I'm not hanging on to a wish for feelings. I'm hanging onto a dream for a reality that I know can come true. The issues are bad but can mostly be worked out through time if nothing else. Someday his daughter will be 18 (less than a year) and even though it's not in either of us to abandon our children (even the adult ones), there will be a time when we can contribute what we want when we want. There will come a day when the court order will go away. There will come a day when we will be free to live where we want. There will come a day when we can come and go as we please. There will come a day.

These are the things I keep assuring myself of. When I look at the grand scheme and think "in 5 years will any of this matter?" I truly think that it will not. I know that there may be some financial hurdles to get over but those are doable. I am already living in the basement of my own house...I guess i can make it anywhere. *grins* All I know is that I love him and not for what he can and can't do for me but because of how he makes me feel when I am with him. He is funny and loving. He makes me laugh right out loud. He makes me all warm and fuzzy and silly inside.

I hope it doesn't take 5 years to reach that place where "none of this matters anymore". I hope that things will start to fall into place soon. Edge, I appreciate your comment and the constant friendship but I have to admit that I really don't know when to hold 'em or when to throw 'em. But I'm gonna hold this hand for awhile longer.

Turning

"Are you done with me?"

"I is not"

Well then what exactly is it? What is it that has pulled us apart and kept us apart?

The new year seems filled with hope. Gary and I got together New Years day and the day after. We have talked and talked and talked. He's worried about his daughter. Has feelings of guilt. Is still battling emotional demons from the ex and is totally overwhelmed with finances. But......wants back what we had.

We are talking. Taking it slow. Dating for now. Spending time together. Working on us. He has some work to do for me. This has damaged me. I have cried so much that I swear I have no more tears. My heart has ached in a way I truly never knew. I have to admit in the beginning he was a nice distraction from Earl. He was loyal and faithful and sensitive and funny and protective and normal. Everything I wanted. Everything I needed. It wan't long before I just couldn't stop thinking about him. I longed to see him and missed him terribly. And he felt the same. I rescued his troubled mind and soul and showed him how good things can be. But it seems that no matter how good things are the ex and kids are having no part of it and will do anything in their power to stop it. Don't get me wrong, I have a decent relationship with his daughter. It's not that she doesn't like me. What she doesn't like is him having a backbone and saying no. She is selfish. She wants to live with her boyfriend like grownups but not have to pay for it or have responsibities. She thought that he would allow that if I wasn't in the picture. She was wrong. The ex just wants his whole paycheck. And she just about has it. In spite of getting an very large amount of child support and alimony and still can't manage her bills and is in danger of losing her apartment. She is complaining that she doesn't have enough money to get a larger apartment for her and the daughter and the daughter's boyfriend and the soon to be born grandchild. She is trying to guilt Gary into making sure he gets a big enough apartment to house the brood IF she loses her place. She doesn't see why he can't just work OT to keep the house. She doesn't see why he is struggling financially. I guess she is forgetting that he is giving her about half of his paycheck each week.

 She is a tool. And he is a doormat for her. He needs to get help dealing with all those issues. It may be too much for us to overcome. I truly think that if his kids were grown and couldn't be used against him that things would be ALOT better. As a matter of fact I don't think there would be issues at all. But his daughter IS still a minor and now she is pregnant, so it's just another whole set of issues.

Slow....really slow. When I really want the whole ball of wax I have to take things SLOW. Dating. Spending time. Preparing for the future. Hoping it's with him but preparing for it to be on my own.

The new year has started out ok. I'm hoping that things will continue on an upswing. I'm hoping.

Dealing

I can deal with stress.
I thrive on it.
It's the depression during quiet times that is killing me.

Not so happy holidays

The holidays themselves were not so bad. My granddaughter is just shy of 7 months and such a little doll. I truly enjoyed her first christmas. My family is well. We had a very nice gathering with my grandmother and extended family on Xmas day. It was all very good.....except....

Gary was not part of it at all. And I was not a part of his holiday. His choices have finally made me realize that what we had is no longer there. He spent Christmas morning with his kids at his ex wife's apt. Supposedly it was for the "kids". His kids are 17 and 22. Hardly still children. He made his choice. I have to now pick up my pieces.

I'm sad beyond sad. I have cried and cried and cried. He still calls and I still take his calls but I think I need to make the break on New Years. I think there is no better time to start fresh than right now. A new year. A new start. He has been very thoughtless of my feelings. He has been very careless with my heart. We aren't even dating at this point. I haven't seen him in over 2 weeks. He has made no mention of getting together and it's not up to me. He still calls every day but I don't know why. I guess I'm a good sounding board when he needs to talk. I guess.

I still love him. It takes awhile to get over that. But I have to love me more and treat myself better than he is treating me. I have to, no matter how hard it is.

Wishing

He asked me to come down and I really wanted to see him so I went.

We talked and laughed and hugged and held hands and it was like it was.

There are still things to work through on his end and I have my own financial obligations to rectify but he and I are on our way in a better direction.

One of the things I came to realize this weekend is that he loves me enough to not put me through all his crap. I just hope someday soon he'll realize that I love him enough to go through it.

His daughter and ex wife are still giving him the horrors. Through bad decisions and indecision the chips are starting to fall where they may. He feels devastated by the turn of events but his daughter will be living with his ex and he will have to pay an astronomical amount of child support but it's out of his hands. His ex lied in court and his daughter didn't show up to have her say so now he is no longer responsible for putting the literal roof over her head. Now he is free to move where he wants without regards to school and he is planning to move out of his home town. He needs to get away from all the emotional pain.

In the meantime, I am getting my house ready for a sale. Painting, de-cluttering, organizing. It's propelling me in a direction of being free as well as keeping myself busy. I have also been enjoying alot of Emily time. My granddaughter is now 6 months old. She is such a little sweetheart.

Christmas is in 10 days and the spirit has not yet risen in me. I am shopping and wrapping this upcoming weekend. I will go through the motions if it kills me. I just want love and peace and devotion and humor and protection and passion. I want to have christmas with him but I'll get through christmas on my own this year. My wish list will not be fulfilled.

Are you still in love with me
Like the way you used to be or is it changing?
Does it deepen over time like the river
That is winding through the Canyon?
Are you still in love with her?
Do you remember how you were before the sorrow?
Are you closer for the tears
Or has the weight of all the years left you hollow?

You gotta love Ray Lamontagne even if he makes your throat ache. He is actually from a little town right here in Maine called Wilton. He lives about 20 min from my mom or at least he used to. Sometimes when I feel like I need to just get all these sad and negative emotions out I will put on some Ray. That's not to say that all his music is sad or mournful. It's not say that his music is only good for crying but it sure can get that stream going.

Thanksgiving turned out pretty good. It didn't include Gary and that makes me sad but I'm doing ok. I'm still managing to have a little fun here and there. He and I have been talking or texting daily. Sometimes it feels strained and sometimes it feels normal. I'm not exactly how I feel except I know I love him. My head tells me I need to start working on letting go but my heart says "not quite yet". When I look back over the years I think wow do I ever have experience hanging on and letting go, and I sure have messed up that balancing act a few times.

Painful morning

This morning I reached a new low. This out of control unhappy life got the better of me. I fought with my older daughter, took it out on the younger daughter and cried myself back to sleep. Happy Thanksgiving. Yeah right.

It's better now. It's noon and I need to shower, make a sweet potato dish and get to my cousins in three hours. I can do it. I can do it with a smile on my face.

Please tell me that next year will be better.

Dinner tonight

I sent a text "are we still on for Wed night?"

I didn't hear anything for awhile.

The thing he doesn't get is that when left to my own devices I can really spin a sad story. My brain can weave the most tragic tale of woe one can imagine. I start making assumptions based on nothing but silence. I start thinking very negatively and can become quite sorry for myself. I don't know how to just chill out and go with the flow. I don't know how to not let things bother me. I don't know how to not care and not brood and not cry. I do know how to crawl in a hole and not say a word. I also can fill my voice with cheer and put on a happy face when necessary.

He called. "why would you ask me that?"

With my voice filled with cheer and nonchalance I said I was simply verifying. It is after all the night before a holiday. I just wanted to make sure the plan hadn't changed.

He was his normal self. He sounded so much like the old Gary. He chastised me for thinking that he would stand me up or blow off our plans. He planned to see me. He wanted to see me. He was going to see me. End of story.

We talked for about a half hour. He was relating family things. Explaining, complaining, conversing, lamenting, wishing. Very much the same as before. He was sharing...everything. Talking freely, without reservation.

I on the other hand am a bit reserved. I offer a few sighs of empathy but my voice is mostly silent. I did agree on a few things and offered a few words here and there. But...the one thing I have learned is that I will not complain about any of that to him. He already knows and doesn't need me making him feel worse. Sharing is one thing. Bashing his ex is quite another. The parenting is what it is. He knows how I feel, I don't have to keep reiterating. I don't have to shove my rightness down his throat. He does agree with me he just can't do much about it.

******************

We did go to dinner tonight. He hugged me so tight I could barely breathe. I have missed him so much. His touch. His smile. His kiss. His funny way.

It didn't take long until he asked if I had been "fishing". I admitted putting my profile up. Then told him I took it down 2 days later. I admitted I'm not ready, that I still want the full meal deal with him. I couldn't look at him as I said it. I could feel my throat tightening and almost bursting with emotion and tears. I don't get it. I don't get any of it but now is not the time.

"what about you?"

"what about me?"

"Are you 'fishing'?"

He looked me right in the eye and said "No". Then he said if he were fishing he'd be right back to the same pond and try to snag the same fish he'd already caught.

We talked a little on the subject and I asked him if it's that I'm not the right girl or if it just wasn't the right time. He immediately said it's the timing. Told me how happy I made him and how much he misses me. There are just too many demons right now. The load is a little too heavy.

We laughed and talked and kissed and held hands and talked some more. We sat in the mall and people watched and talked and held hands and sometimes just sat there. Very much like old times. I gained a little peace.

I still don't really get it but he has to do things on his terms. No amount of crying and begging will change that so I guess I will just hold on to my dignity for now. I love him and I told him that. I told him I still want everything and I still want it with him but I'm not gonna beg. I also told him that I'm not moving on at this point but I can't guarantee anything in the future under these conditions. He just nodded and started to say something but I stopped him. I asked him not to tell me again that it's "not you , it's me". I told him that only makes me feel worse.

When I left tonight he held me tight and whispered that he wants to get his life on track so he can come back for me. I didn't say it but I was thinking that I don't care if life is on track, I would face those obstacles with him. But that's just me.

Hope

Hope in a hopeless world.
I have seen a glimmer.
I am happy.


I chatted with a new fella for a few nights. Super nice guy. Wants all the same things I want. Totally single/divorced. Custody and support issues are ironed out. We talked very easily. He sounds perfect. But.... I'm not ready. I'm telling him tonight and I have already closed down my POF site. I want what I want but right now I want it with Gary. He and I talked last night and truthfully we both think we are right for each other it's just not the right time. It's only been a couple of weeks so I don't need to be in a hurry to move on. I can lick my wounds on my own for awhile. I'm not waiting forever but I really feel like it's worthy of a little more time. For now anyways.

It's been 2 weeks

...and nothing is getting better with Gary. We have texted a few times and he has called but it has been so formal. None of the orignal chemistry. NONE. When he called yesterday he was full of news on ways he is simplifying his life and ironing out his wrinkles. I'm glad and it needs to be done, but there was no hint of him wanting anything with me. He didn't say "I know I have issues but I'm getting them taken care of, please be patient with me". There was no "I love you and please wait for me". There was no "I wouldn't blame you if you moved on but I sure hope you don't". NOTHING in that way at all.

He has thrown me away. He has thrown us away. Or at the very least he never gave me the opportunity to fix any issues he had with me. He never told me that anything I did or was doing bothered him. He never said he was unhappy with me. I knew he had things going on with his ex and his daughter but he never indicated that he had issues with me. To this day I have no idea why he lost his feelings for me. I have no idea why I was the easiest part of his life to dump.

I can speculate and I have speculated. I have gone over every inch of our relationship. There were many red flags, but I didn't see them as red flags. I still wouldn't except that collectively they start to paint a picture. We had major differences in our view of child rearing. We had major differences on our need for family time.

I'm certain the whole child rearing is the main problem. I've discussed here a couple of times. It wasn't easy and it was mostly him and his attitude towards it. His daughter loved me. She was texting me regularly and even texted me last week. I love her too. He views all that texting as spying on her. I see it as being interested in her life and wanted to be sure she is safe. (not to mention she initiated many of them) He thinks checking her facebook page is spying on her. I see it as a public forum that anyone can see. Her page is not private and even if it were, she added me as a friend and therefore gave me permission to view her page. I see it as a way to know what she is up to. There was lots of info there that he had no clue about. FB is not a diary. He thinks it was perfectly ok to assume she was at her mom's. I thought he should send a text or make a quick phone call to the ex to be sure. I thought at 16 her parents should know for sure which parent she was spending the night with. They didn't and she posted many times on FB that she was with her BF. He insisted that my way of parenting could never work there. Things were different there. I wasn't in the country anymore. Um......does he really think that my town has no drugs, teenage sex, teen pregnancy and screwed up parents? Does he really think we are that far removed? I had no idea I lived in Utopia.

Some things are just bigger than the both of us. I can see that my opinion held no value. I can see that I held him and his daughter to a higher level of accountability. I can see that my way isn't always right and doesn't always fit but it wasn't even considered by him. His daughter was way more on board. She liked me showing an interest. If she didn't she wouldn't have initiated and carried on the relationship we had. If she didn't like me she would have been happy/relieved when we split but she was not.

He is a great guy but in my opinion has very screwed up ideas about kids. He is a great guy but not someone who would have made me a full partner in his life. He is used to handling everything and doesn't seem to want to let go of any of that. I shared all my finances with him so we could build a budget together. He never shared his with me. I have a vague idea of what he makes but no true idea of what his bills are. That would be fine if he hadn't indicated that he wanted to share all of that.

I am trying to see with an objective eye exactly what was in the relationship and decide with a sane mind if I think realistically we could get back together. At this point I would say no. I love him. I want things like they used to be. I truly feel that without the kid/ex issues things could have been really good. But those issues were there. And who knows what other issues would have come out. His inability to discuss things with me and try to work through problems shows me that I was never secure in that relationship. His idea of working through problems was to hope that in a year and a half when his daughter graduates it would all just go away and we could live happily ever after. Problems rarely just solve themselves. Time does heal but there also has to be some effort.

He called yesterday morning but hasn't called or texted since. He feels no strong desire to talk to me, to hear my voice. He isn't feeling like he can't wait to see me again. I asked him about getting together for dinner sometime. That was last Thursday and he suggested next Wed night. Almost a full week away. It was like a punch in the stomach that he has no problem waiting that long to see me and even then it feels like an obligation.

I'm sad. So sad.  After I talked to him yesterday morning, I cried. I cried and cried because I know he's done. I hate it but it is what it is.

After a the cry-fest I made a decision. I'm moving on. I'm not waiting months and years to finally "get it". I want to be with someone who wants me and values me. I don't HAVE to have a man in my life but I am much happier in a good relationship. I need affection and intimacy and laughter and caring and stability. I am not wrecked, just a little bruised. I truly wish the very best Gary. He is an awesome guy. Funny and caring. Generous to a fault. I'm just not the right gal for him or it's just not the right time for him. All I know is I don't see how I could overcome him telling me he doesn't desire me anymore and doesn't know if he ever will again. I would always wonder and worry.

I signed back up with Plenty of Fish. Getting back up on that proverbial horse. I've already had some luck. The first person to email me actually had a personality and was very original.

Onward and upward

Still working on it

it takes a plan
it takes a dream
it takes hope
it takes resilience
it takes courage
it takes heart

Moving on with your life really can seem so overwhelming sometimes. Sometimes the busy work just isn't enough. Writing down the things it will take for me to move on was the next step in doing that. I've always had dreams and resilience and most of the time had a plan. My courage has waivered and hope has been dashed a few times but my heart always beats on.


*********

I wish he would call or text but for now I have to be satisfied with expressing that wish here and not pick up the phone. I have to give him the time and space he needs for both of our sakes. But I sure do wish I could talk to him.

Thinking healthy (or at least trying to)

My heart is broken. That is for sure. And I really wish things had worked out differently and I still have some hope that there could be a future. I miss him. ALOT.

But.....

...all that being said and all that being absolutely true, this time is different. This time I have a better understanding of my feelings and the reasonableness of them. I'm in a better place for the "letting go of the things you can't change". I was given a great chance at an awesome relationship with a wonderful man and I made the best of it. I didn't squander it. I didn't risk it. I did nothing to jeopardize it. I worked hard to make him feel as special as I felt he is. I showed him love, daily. I TOLD him I loved him and appreciated him as well as showed him. I protected him and held his feelings, family and property in high regard. I took care of him and did my best to let him take care of me. I love him so much and miss him so and want it all back, but what more could I do? NOTHING. And I truly know that. If it's not meant to be it's just not meant to be. It still hurts like hell but I know I will not be wallowing and wondering and hoping on nothing for the next 5 years. I'm not giving up just yet and I won't be trolling for dates for awhile but I feel like I have as healthy an outlook on it as I could possibly have. I'll be taking time to take care of my house and my granddaughter and myself. I will be taking time to properly store this last year in my mind and heart.

I have learned a few new things about myself. After living with Gary I know that I want to be in a residential area. I like getting out and taking walks and driving 10 min to shop rather than a half hour. I am ready for a smaller place. Smaller lawn to mow, smaller driveway to shovel and a little bit smaller house to manage. Hopefully all that will equal smaller payments. I know I want someone who is past the childrearing stage and I want someone who is COMPLETELY done with their divorce/custody battles. I want someone who is ready to live an active lifestyle. Someone who enjoys going out to eat once in awhile and would like to take in a show or a game. I so enjoyed doing those things with Gary. I NEED someone who can make me laugh til I almost pee my pants. He did that for me on a daily basis. I NEED someone who is passionate about me. It really sucks when you find those things and it goes up in smoke.

The whole divorce/custody thing really destroyed it all. I hope someday he gets all that resolved and can find happiness because he is such a sweet guy and really deserves it. I hope that happens soon and I hope that his happiness includes me. But if it doesn't? Then I move on.

In the meantime I'm on rebuilding mode. More paint was laid this weekend. Stinky animals were moved/cleaned up after. Kids were read the riot act on cleanliness and upkeep. Basement was cleaned out. I'm not quite settled in yet but I'm getting there. Actually it was nice being so busy that I didn't have time to think about things. I'm kinda dreading when that slows down.

I am also getting out into the social scene. A very close friend from high school and I are getting together for dinner and movie later this week. We have been in touch through facebook but we agreed a little girl time will be fun. In 2 weeks I am getting together with 2 cousins for a weekend of shopping. Yup, I'm actually spending the night. They have been so uplifting to me through this ordeal and I just can't get enough so I'm gonna go spend the night.

I miss him and I love him....still.

a few more steps done

I went to Gary's last night and spent the night.

It's not anything like you're thinking or what I would have wished for.

Last Sat when this whole nightmare came out we had planned on me staying until this upcoming weekend. He made it clear that he wasn't into me anymore yet he didn't want me to leave either. I thought I could handle staying but I couldn't, so we worked out a plan for me to go Sunday and come back Wed night and leave again on Thursday with another load of stuff.

When I arrived he met me right at the door and gave me the biggest hug. It felt so good yet I knew it wasn't the same as before. We sat and talked and talked and talked. He has MAJOR crap going on that I can't go into here, but he did get a couple of things with work worked out in his favor and that is no longer a threat. While we were sitting there someone knocked on the door. He got up an answered and it was the ex. It was the first time we have ever met face to face. He didn't introduce us and I ended up offering to go downstairs while they discussed issues about their daughter. Uncomfortable can't even begin to describe it.  They talked about 15 min then he came down to see me. He apologized and asked if I was ok. As ok as I'm going to be under the circumstances.

We threw around the idea of going to dinner but it didn't happen. I was exhausted and after sleeping 3 nights on a balance beam I was ready for a good sleep in my own bed. He asked if I wanted him to sleep on the couch. I said it didn't matter to me, that bed is so big it's like we are in different zip codes anyways. I went to bed around 9PM, he stayed upstairs and watched hockey. When he came to bed I was sleeping but came into consciousness as he got under the covers. He immediately came to my side and pulled me into his arms. It felt good and right but temporary. He rubbed my back and I fell back asleep. Throughout the night I had a sense of him there. He reached across with his hand or foot and touched me often in the night. At least he wasn't avoiding any contact at all. There was no "one last time for old times sake". There was no talk about this split being temporary. There was just sadness.

I have a stove and fridge down there that I don't need right now so I had offered to leave them for now, but today I asked him to pay me for them and just keep them. A small but fair amount. He said "wow, you really want nothing left down here". I said "no, I want a clean slate so if you do call me I will know it's because you want to and not out of obligation because I still have stuff there". Not to mention the fact that I already have put out alot of money to Earl and Dana and my ex husband that I will never see again. I don't want Gary lumped into that group in any capacity. (except that now he is an ex)

I got my car all packed up this morning and got everything else ready for the big move on Sat morning. We went to the cell phone place and took him off my plan and back onto his own. We had one more lunch together and by 11:45 I was on the road headed home.

I changed my FB status to single (although it is hidden) and I changed my current city back. Just a few more steps in the letting go process.

I miss him. I want what we had. He was so funny and sensitive and caring and protective and respectful. I felt very taken care of by him and that made me want to take care of him. I guess it just wasn't enough. ;-(